Cat Wars: "This is Our Demands"

good lord. this just in!! emperor mittens, emperor of all felines (except big cats like tigers and lions and stuff) has just sent in a new video to CNN. experts were shocked to learn mittens had almost taught himself english. it kinds of sounds chinese though. you know how when we make fun of chinese people by saying "chinchongchang" and stuff like that? this sounds like that.

too bad CNN didn't take him seriously. they seem to have put a laugh track in the background. to mock him, i would guess. he really seems nervous. things are really heating up in these... CAT WARS!!!!



-L

REVIEW- No Country for Old Men by Maynard

Everybody loves the Coens, right? After Fargo, The Big Lebowski and O Brother, Where Art Thou?, they've earned their place in American cinema history. But after O Brother, they kind of just lost it. Their movies were still enjoyable on a certain level, but you couldn't compare them to the classics. They were just pale imitations. I had written them off. I'd heard about No Country for Old Men early last year, but I wasn't excited about it. They took this new movie to Cannes, where it was raved, and I still didn't care. I figured they were just "blowing smoke", as the young people say.

But the good reviews kept coming, so I finally decided to get a little interested. One problem- It wasn't going to be playing at my local theater. Or anywhere else near me. So... well, I saw it, ok? That's all that matters.

Now for the actual review. No Country for Old Men is the best Coen brothers movie since Fargo. It might be better than Fargo, I can't tell yet. I wasn't a huge fan of Fargo when it first came out and now I love it. I already love No Country for Old Men, so who knows how I might feel in a year? Hard to tell, I've only seen it once, but everyone tells me it gets better with a second viewing. Only time will tell whether or not they're lying dogs.

Jeez, this is a bad review so far. Time to get super serious. NCFOM is about this man, Llewelyn Moss, who stumbles upon a drug deal gone wrong. Dead bodies everywhere (even a dead dog, wink wink). He also finds a shit-load of money. He takes the money, which is the worst possible thing he could do. It sets off a chain of events that the movie follows with close attention to detail.

Moss is being chased by Anton Chigurh, played by Javier Bardem. Bardem deserved an Oscar back in 2000 for Before Night Falls, and odds are that he'll win Supporting Actor this year. Bardem is good, but not Oscar worthy. He's entertaining, but don't listen to the people who are telling you this is the best performance of the year. Tommy Lee Jones and Josh Brolin are better, even if their parts aren't as flashy.

That being said, Chigurh is a lot of fun to watch. He's given the best scenes and the funniest lines, ect. I haven't mentioned it yet, but NCFOM is a funny movie. But you already knew that, cause it's a Coens movie. They can't help themselves.

But it isn't a comedy movie. It deals with some serious issues, like .. you know, Americans and violence and everything. It's got some incredibly violent scenes, and they're incredibly entertaining. The scene where Moss and Chigurh go at it in the streets is probably the best scene I've seen this year. This movie has two or three Scene of the Year contenders.

Jones and Brolin are terrific, but I can't see them getting much awards attention. I think Moss is the most relateable character. I could see myself doing the same things he does, even though I kept thinking "DON'T DO IT!!" But it's too late, he does it. Maybe we should take this as a warning or something. Sometimes it's best not to get what you think you want.

Jones is great. He's funny and he plays the moral center of the film just right. I'm one of the few who's never really liked Jones much at all, but he's great here. He plays a guy we all strive to be like, yet when you think about it, it's clear he's something of a failure. You could make the argument that things turn out the way they do because of his failure to act. He's clearly the Old Man who just doesn't understand this world anymore. This dark, ugly world, embodied by Bardem.

This review has been pretty terrible. I've waited a few days to wrap my mind around this movie, but it's not working. It seems so simple when you're watching it, but once it's over all these big ideas just start flowing that you didn't pick up on while watching it. I'm gonna give this a 9.0. It might even go up with repeated viewings. I've predicted this as my Best Picture winner, but I'm not so sure. It's very violent and might even scare some people. The movie is probably the best of the year and the Coens are overdue, so I'm not changing my predictions just yet, but it's not a lock by any means.

If you can find it, see it. Any way you can.

Top Ten: Most Satisfying Endings

Some guy once said something really clever about endings. Like, everything can suck, but if the ending is good everyone will like it. Was it Brian Cox? He was funny in Rushmore. I love Rushmore, and yes, it'll be on this list. So let's do this shit.

10. Catcher on the Rye- Holden watches his little sister on the merry-go-round, then he goes to a mental institution. Everyone knows this ending and I don't know of anyone who dislikes it. It's been out for like 50 or 60 years and no one can think up a better way for it to end.


9. Wolf at the Door from Radiohead's Hail to the Thief- There are better Radiohead songs. There are better Radiohead songs that end their albums. But there's none quite as tongue in cheek. None that put a smirk on your face the same way. It's pretty much a nonsense song, full or knives in the neck and kicking people in the teeth with steel toed boots one minute, then x-rays eyes and cold wives the next. But it's a fun song, and probably one of the most "freewheeling" Radiohead have ever done.


8. Pulp Fiction- Jon Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson eating breakfast in their "dorky" attire. Place gets robbed. "Bad Mutha Fucker". And Jackson's speech, which I consider the best speech ever to end a movie. It sums up the entire film really. And that film changed the face of movies ever since.


7. Mulholland Dr.- Old people crawling under your door is creepy. I wasn't a huge fan of this ending at first, but it's grown on me. It's a fucking weird ending, probably the weirdest, like, ever. It's hard to explain it, so I'll just throw some words out there. Naomi Watts. Gun. Hallway. Chasing. All a dream? ... yeah, not a great explanation, but... you just gotta see it yourself. And don't judge it rashly, give it some time to settle in your brain.


6. Taxi Driver- Travis Bickle is a bad bad man. He goes nuts trying to save this chick, kills lots of people and becomes a hero. But the people who made him a hero don't know the whole story. They don't know that Bickle is a sick man. Martin Scorsese once said that he believes Bickle would one day go on a worse, even more violent killing spree one day, because he believes that's what the people want. Bickle thinks he's doing the right thing, and now that he's a hero, that belief will only grow stronger...


5. Dr. Strangelove- One of the funniest movies ever. It's virtually perfect, but then the ending is coming and you're thinking "Um, how are they gonna end this?" There really is no other way to end it- everyone on Earth dies except for the people in the War Room. Also, for no apparent reason at all, Dr. Strangelove is able to walk again. It doesn't make any sense, but it's funny.


4. Curb Your Enthusiasm- "The Bat Mitzvah". Anyone who's seen this knows I'm talking about the last 60 seconds or so. For 3 or 4 episodes, Larry had been trying to win back his wife. He goes to his best friend's daughter's bat mitzvah, and takes along his house guest, a black woman who's family had been staying with the Davids because a hurricane destroyed their home. Larry dances with her, and sparks fly. We then learn that Larry started dating her, and didn't get back together with his wife. We see him at his new son's soccer game, going to the movies (there The Blacks are unable to contain themselves and act like embarrassing stereotypes, with Larry joining in), and posing for Christmas cards together.


3. The Royal Tenenbaums- Royal realizes he's "the bad guy" and decides he has to fix what he's broken. He divorces his wife so she can marry the man of her dreams (who just so happens to be Danny Glover), but the wedding is ruined by a drugged up Eli Cash, who crashes his car into the house, killing Buckley, the dog. Royal buys his grandsons a new dog, which helps to mend his broken relationship with his oldest son. Then Royal dies and everyone goes to the funeral, where we see Royal's tombstone, detailing how he died saving his family from a sinking ship (he didn't).


2. Lost in Translation- Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson were so screwed over come Oscar time. But we're not gonna go down that road yet. So anywho, the ending. These two people have developed a very deep friendship over the last few days, but it has to end. Murray has to go home to his wife and kids. They say goodbye, very awkward. Neither wants to admit to the other how much they've meant to them. Bill's driving away, sees Scarlett walking down a busy street, pulls over and walks up to her. They kiss and he whispers something into her ear, but we can't hear what it is. They finally leave each other, and "Just Like Honey" starts playing. Then we get some nice shots of Tokyo, and it's over. Probably the most memorable ending this decade.


1. Rushmore- Max fucks up everyone's life, then realizes that he can't live in his fantasy world forever, and set's about fixing everything he ruined. It ends in his most celebrated play to date. He also gets Mr. Blume and Ms. Cross back together and gets his own girlfriend. But he still gets to dance with his dream girl. Good stuff, good stuff. And yes, I love me some Bill Murray.

Creep.

It's Bada folks, he is sorry that he hasn't been around lately. (That's a lie). So this friend, that's all i will call her for now. Bada has Xbox Live/Macbook, so this "friend" went out and got Xbox Live and is getting a Macbook now. So i'm thinking of going for the million dollar question? Want to meet? You're probably wondering about the heading of this blog. "Creep" yeah i am a Creep but the real meaning behind it is, that friend was playing Radiohead "Creep" to me. Bada doesn't even like Radiohead but Bada sure does love this song. Check out the lyrics Nigga. They probably best describe Bada in the flesh.

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in your eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

That's all from Bada tonight. He's off to watch some Pirates and a really hot Keira Knightley!

Updates: A New Kind of Class

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the new more classy http://www.maynardandlando.blogspot.com.


As you can see we have a new name and layout for the pleasure of your gluzzballs. When you look at our site you get an image of successful businessmen. As you have noticed, I am using captials and everything for one time only.


But with great success comes great tragedy. Our old buddy Bada may have cancer and will be leaving this site and this world shortly. Unless he learns to update sometimes.

So anyways I'm sure you want to know how I have been doing, the only thing i have to say is, I'm great. And I hope Bada gets whats coming to him.

-L

Happy Thanksgiving, My niggaz

I loooove me some Thanksgiving. What's my favorite thing about Thanksgiving, you ask? Australians don't get to celebrate it. They don't get nothin' cause they don't give nothin'. It's called Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking. Even though we stole an entire country from Indians. But hey, it's not like we didn't give anything back to them. Washington Redskins, anyone? Kansas City Chiefs?


-M

Cat Wars: Inferno (aka Part 4)

Cat wars is... heating up? Muhahaha.

Black cat: Better get out of here, pretty boy.
White cat: Best to get the fuck off my land, pretty boy.
Black cat: You're just white trash. Nothing more. Never for get that.
White cat: I'd rather be white trash than burnt trash (attacks)

(Fighting ensues)

Black cat: You won this time. But you look like a fag with that bell around your neck.
White cat: Just get on out of here and don't never come back!!
Black cat: I'll be back... you remember that...

First Official Oscar Predictions.

It's Oscar season, so I'm happy ^__________^

The Oscars are a tricky thing though. You mention you enjoy the Oscars, people think you're gay. And I completely understand why. Watch any show on them, it's all about fashion or singing and dancing or some stupid boring shit like that. I don't follow the Oscars because of that. I liken the Oscars to football. Each season, everyone makes predictions, follows their favorite players and hope the ones they like make it all the way to the Superbowl. That's just what the Oscars are. Picking your favorites and hoping they make it. Of course, there's very few things more frustrating than the Oscars. Maybe once a decade the right movie or actor wins. So why do I do it every year? Because I am sad and lonely and most people hate me. So here's my predictions for this year.

BEST PICTURE-
No Country for Old Men*
Atonement
There Will Be Blood
Sweeney Todd
Charlie Wilson's War

For the past, like, two years I've been saying that whenever There Will Be Blood comes out, it'll be an Oscar winner. I still think it'll win some awards, but not Best Picture. It's too dark and disturbing and mean for the Oscars. Some people may come back and say "Yeah, but so was The Departed." No, it wasn't. The Departed was at it's heart an entertaining popcorn flick. There Will Be Blood isn't. Atonement I think is just too British. Sweeney Todd is too song and dance-y. They already awarded one of those this decade. Charlie Wilson's War is full of Oscars winners, so maybe the Academy will be bored with them. I dunno one way or another which way this movie will go. So that leaves No Country for Old Men, which is the best reviewed movie of the year, plus it has an already classic performance from Javier Bardem, and the Coens are overdue. I'll say it's the frontrunner.

DIRECTOR-
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen- No Country for Old Men*
Joe Wright- Atonement
P.T. Anderson- There Will Be Blood
Tim Burton- Sweeney Todd
Mike Nichols- Charlie Wilson's War

Again, I think the fact that everyone loves NCFOM and the fact that the Coens are pretty much American heroes at this point will put them over the top. They'll win it.

ACTOR-
Daniel Day-Lewis- There Will Be Blood*
Johnny Depp- Sweeney Todd
Tom Hanks- Charlie Wilson's War
Denzel Washington- American Gangster
Tommy Lee Jones- In the Valley of Elah

I'm confident on three of those. The last two I'm not so sure. I'm gonna say it's a two-man race anyways. Day-Lewis and Depp. Depp has become everyones favorite actor over the past few years and everyone wants to see him win. But Day-Lewis is the single most respected actor since Brando. Plus he was robbed for Gangs of New York and people haven't forgotten that. Day-Lewis wins.

ACTRESS-
Ellen Page- Juno*
Marion Cotillard- La Vie en Rose
Angelina Jolie- A Mighty Heart
Amy Adams- Enchanted
Laura Linney- The Savages

I'm not confident in this one at all. I'm just guessing what everyone else is guessing. I'll say Ellen Page, but don't hold me to that.

SUPPORTING ACTOR-
Javier Bardem- No Country for Old Men*
Hal Holbrook- Into the Wild
Philip Seymour Hoffman- Charlie Wilson's War
Casey Affleck- The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Tom Wilkinson- Micheal Clayton

I'm pretty sure this is how it'll look, but who knows? If Javier Bardem doesn't win though, it'll be remembered as one of the biggest snubs ever.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS-
Cate Blanchett- I'm Not There*
Amy Ryan- Gone Baby Gone
Saoirse Ronan- Atonement
Ruby Dee- American Gangster
Tilda Swinton- Michael Clayton

Boring race. Blanchett will win easily. If not, I will go to jail.

So there you go. I might get into more detail as the Oscars get closer. Go forth and conquer.

-M

interesting facts/amazing revelations!

man. every day it's the same. "oi oi why ain't you doin nuffin for our site oi oi?" so sick of this shit and this site. this shite. so here's some stuff i KNOW you didn't know.

every face you see in a dream is a face you've seen in real life, even if you don't recognize it.

earthworms have 5 hearts.

every day is 55 billionths of a second longer than the day before it.

Pope Pius II wrote an erotic book "Historia de duobos amantibus" in 1444.

as of 2006, 200 million blogs were left without updates. this one will be too soon.

Gandhi didn't allow his wife to take penicillin to save her life from pneumonia but took quinine to save himself from malaria.

forty-one percent of english women have punched or kicked their partners, according to a study. that's why i always say them english chicks is slags. get it? that's english.

the average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.

the roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

the sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

the world’s deadliest recorded earthquake occurred in 1557 in central China, more than 830,000 people were killed.

a snail can sleep for three years.

there. new blog done.

-L

Top Ten: Songs of the 90's

Hello folks. Maynard here, with another Top Ten list. This time, I'm doing the Best Songs of the 90's. And by Best, I mean My Favorites. After this I'll eventually do best of the 80's, 70's, 60's and 00's. (And apologies to Bada, who I already know will disagree with every song on this list)

10. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys
9. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (I know it's almost a cliche to put it on here, but it is a very good song)
8. Jane Says by Jane's Addiction
7. Karma Police by Radiohead
6. Sunken Treasure by Wilco
5. Unravel by Bjork (I couldn't find the Bjork version, so I got the Radiohead cover instead. It's a great cover, by Bjork's is better. Find it and listen to it.)
4. All Apologies by Nirvana
3. Paranoid Android by Radiohead
2. No Surprises by Radiohead
1. Sometimes by My Bloody Valentine

So there it is. The best songs of the 90's. Here's a ProjectPlaylist playlist I made for it. For some reason it's not working right, so you have to press the Launch StandAlone Player thingy and it should work.

Bada BOOM!

That's right friends, foes and most importantly girls. ;) Finally Bada has come to Blogspot. I would like to tell you that i have infact met a hot chick. When i say met, i mean online sadly. The thing is though i seem to attract these certain type of ladies. A) They are FAKE!, B) They have like 3895783275832 guys after them and C) Yeah i've got nothing for C. Anyways i have seen her on cam quite alot and she also talks dirty to me. Ok i'm lying about the dirty part. She talks to me on mic and i talk to her on mic. We also play Halo 3 together but i get distracted too easily and die because bascially i just want to have Halo sex with her!! lol. I also have her phone number but i haven't called her yet for phone sex. ;) So did i tell you that i have fish? Yeah well i had like 20 fish and now i have like 6. I'll tell you why exactly. My dad is an idiot. He got fighter fish which he probably never knew at the time. They damn attacked my fish and kept biting there tails and now they are dead!! Does it look like Bada has just got money he can throw around all the time for fish? They don't even do any damn tricks. Those Bastards.

Bada.

welcome Bada

ok...so we picked up a new guy for this hell hole


his name is bada and he is that ASSHOLE who i told you all he died remember that? anyways he is here now and he better do a good job!


-L

I Officially Hate the Writers and Their Stupid Strike.

Damon Lindelof is a big time player for Lost, aka The Best Series on T.V. As you may or may not know, there's this little writers strike thing going on, and it's fucking everything up for my favorite t.v. shows. No Conan O'Brien, no Daily Show, no nothin'. I had hoped it would end in time for Lost to come back full force, but it looks like it's not happening.

Here's and interview he did with some chick at some website.

It looks like Lost will air eight episodes and then go dark. Does it sadden you that you're not able to deliver those 16 in a row that were promised to the fans?
Yes, it does. I feel like the worst thing we could have done was to plan for a strike and plan accordingly. Everybody had to be optimistic, because then it would have felt like why does episode eight feel like such a conclusion? We learned last year that the show moves at a certain pace, and you can't build up critical momentum in the first six episodes. In fact, when you are doing 24 straight episodes of a show, the first six episodes are a lot of tap dancing and some writers are able to tap-dance very effectively. Cable writers don't have to tap-dance at all, which is why all their shows are so great.

Interesting.
Yeah, and I think that's something Heroes is getting unnecessary guff for right now, too. They're getting a lot of heat because the story can't really start until episode seven or eight. And I remember all this bad-mouthing going on about our show last year, and I talked to Tim [Kring]. I said, "This all feels so familiar to me—don't worry, it only takes one good episode to round the corner and then everybody is back on board again." But an eight-episode season is an incomplete season, and I am not going to try to spin it any other way.

At the end of the eighth episode, is there any sense of conclusion whatsoever?
It's as much of a conclusion as, say, Ana-Lucia and Libby getting shot.

Wow. Really?
Yes. And you'd be, like, oh my god, I can't believe I have to wait another year and two months for episode nine of this season.

So, it's a cliffhanger?
Yes. And that's the thing, we really planned out the three seasons of 16, 16 and 16...so the idea of having to come back and maybe do a 24-episode season, and that would be season five is just...I can't look the fans in the eye and tell them that we're executing the original plan anymore.

Will the storyline have to be tweaked?
The story will remain the same, but the way [it's] constructed is a lot like saying to J.K. Rowling, "Can you do it in eight books?" And she goes, "I don't want to write an eighth book." And they say, "How about you just take the seventh book and release two 400-page books?"

So basically, we have to wait almost a year for new episodes, and when it comes back, it'll only be 8 episodes? And then we'll have to wait, like, 14 months to see the rest? Lame. Really fucking lame.

Dick Masterson- Manly.

I kind of sort of know this dude. Ok, I don't know him, but I've spoken to him on his website, MenAreBetterThanWomen.com

His name is Dick Masterson, and he's my hero.

MABTW is probably the funniest site on the net. It's just non-stop manliness and women- taking-down-a-peg-edness. It's called Men Are Better Than Women, but something tells me he focuses mostly on the extreme man-haters out there. Basically since the 70's, men have had to put up with a lot of name calling from feminists and whatnot, so Dick just gives them a taste of their own medicine. I don't agree with everything he says, but he always makes me laugh, so he's good in my book.

Sadly, I hadn't visited his website in awhile, so I was unaware that he would be going on the Dr. Phil program recently. Here's a clip



That's why Dick Masterson is awesome. That smart mouthed chick almost cried.

55,000 Man Points goes Dick's way.

For the Ladiessss.

I'm not gonna lie to you- I've been with a lot of women. I'm a good sex person. I know all the different tricks and everything. And my streak of slewing the ladies will continue, for I have new shoes. Chicks love shoes, and chicks love men with shoes.

They're gray. Size 11. Pretty nice. My sister bought them for me, cause she thinks she's a big shot and likes to throw her money around, even though she wouldn't "shoot two fifties" Lando's way. She wants me to move in with her so I can watch her kids while she's at work or something. She doesn't have kids though. She has dogs.

Anywho, I got new shoes. I was trying to show them off to one of those lesbians I was telling you about, but that one won't come out of her house anymore. Might have something to do with me. I really think I could "convert" her if she gave me a chance.

I didn't have shoes for awhile. I borrowed Lando's shoes for awhile and gave them back to him yesterday, and he was all mad. "They's in worse shape than they was before", he says to me. Whatever, man. You got them back, didn't you?

Ok, I did have a pair of boots, but they belonged to a dead man before I had them. I was afraid his soul would go into my body if I wore them :(

I got new shoes.

Colts pretty much won.

Ok, the Colts didn't win. But I honestly believe that if the Colts and Pats meet again in the playoffs (and it looks like they very well might) the Colts should be the favorites to win. Even after the loss yesterday, I still have not taken them off the top of my list as the favorite to win the SuperBowl.

The Colts won 3 and a half quarters out of 4 yesterday. They doubled Tom Brady's interceptions in one game. They sacked him twice. They caused the Pats to lose 147 yards on mistakes and errors. Peyton Manning and the offense was hurt and under-manned. No Marvin Harrison? No Tony Ugoh? Anthony Gonzalez had to be taken out because of an injured finger, so Manning didn't even have his top back ups to help him through. I'm not making excuses. The Pats won and they deserved to win, but they didn't beat the Colts. What if Randy Moss or Wes Welker hadn't been able to play and the Colts beat them by only 4? I for one would be worried that the Colts didn't have what it takes to beat them when they were healthy. Most Pats fans cannot wrap their minds around logic like this.

I'll just say the Colts gave this supposedly unbeatable team all they could handle until midway through the 4th quarter and they didn't even have some of their biggest weapons. I think when and if they meet again, Colts are gonna take it.

Top Ten: Funniest dudes.

(NOTE: I couldn't come up with any funny women...)

It takes a lot to be a classic funny dude. Three things, actually. Be a jerk, be an idiot, or just be really pathetic. Here's my list of the ten funniest dudes.

10. Charles Barkley. Category- Jerk.
Sir Charles, as he is known by some, is a total jerk. He used to be a great NBA player, but now he's fat and insults people and gambles all his money away. CB makes the list mostly because of his ceaseless taunting of NBA ref Dick Bevetta. Things came to a head at the NBA A All-Star game of 2007, where to two titans had a foot race to determine the better man. Barkley out ran the elderly Bevetta, even running backwards, mocking the old man. Then they kissed on the lips.

Quote "I know I'm a fat, old has-been, but there's no way an old man of 67 can outrun me. It's impossible!"



9. Ash from The Evil Dead Trilogy. Category- Jerk.
Fuck you. I know he was on my last list. And? I can do whatever I want, whenever I want (on my website. Unless it's illegal).

Ah deserves to be on here. Why? Cause he's damn funny, that's why. It's odd when you watch Evil Dead now, because Ash is a completely different character in that movie. His normal. Mild mannered. Scared. By the mid-part of Evil Dead 2, he was undergoing a transformation. He wasn't as scared anymore. With his new found braveness, however, came new found arrogance and cockiness. And by the time Army of Darkness came around, he was a completely new person, chock full of one-liners and awesomeness. Plus, he could never remember the words.

Quote- "First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow."



8. Max Fischer from Rushmore. Category- Jerk.
I know Max won the last Top ten thingy too, but he's just too awesome not to be on any of my lists. Plus he's funny as hell.

Max is the kind of guy who knows right from wrong, yet he choices to do wrong anyways, so long as he believes it will benefit his selfish wants in the long run (which they don't). He doesn't think twice about destroying a mans life in the name of love. From destroying a mans life, he moves to attempted murder (cutting Mr. Blume's brakes, trying to have a tree fall on him, filling his room with bees, ect.) It's hilarious to watch as Max falls from grace, yet he stills believes wholeheartedly that things will work out if you could just get Ms. Cross to fall in love with him. Sweet + Sad= Funny.

Quote- "Don't fuck with my play!"



7. Jason from Home Movies. Category- Idiot.
Home Movies might just be the most under-appreciated thing ever. I don't know why, because anyone who actually sat down and watched the thing became instant fans. One of the reasons everyone who watched it loved it was because everyone who watched it loved Jason, the sidekick to and best friend of star Brendan Small. Jason is 7 and he's stupid. He is always dirty, he's got a weight problem (he loves candy) and, as Brendan has noted, "It's fun to hurt him." ("It's easy to hurt him.", adds other friend Melissa.)

Despite his setbacks, Jason is a pretty sweet-hearted young guy and takes things pretty easy. Most of his comedy comes from the fact that's he's 7 and doesn't know anything. But, strangely, he's a very good actor. That's what they do. The kids make stupid home movies. That's the whole show. It wasn't exactly genius comedy, but it always made me laugh.

Quote- "Let him drag you through the mud LIKE HE DRAGGED ME!!"



6. Homer Simpson from The Simpsons. Category- Idiot.
You can't talk about funny dudes without Homer Simpson. He's a legend. Plus he's the stupidest character ever, anywhere. The Simpsons have gone wayyyyy downhill for the last 10 years or so, but seasons 2-8 are classics. Honestly, I think 2-8 are the greatest pieces of entertainment the world has ever seen (take that, Shakespeare).

The reason it was so great was obviously because of the writing, and the writers always saved the best stuff for Homer. Like when he became a clown. Or when he got really fat. Or how he destroyed his brothers business. Or even really really simple stuff became funny from Homer (like the drinking bird) Yeah, Homer deserves his place on this list. Funny stuff.

Quote- "[to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...
[thinks] I forget. But the point is... [thinks] I forget that, too. [to Marge] Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car."


5. Cartman from South Park. Category- Jerk.
Cartman might be the biggest jerk ever. And he's just about the only character around that can rival Homer Simpson for pure popularity. But he deserves to be here, just slightly above Homer (I had to dock him because of the severe drop in quality The Simpsons has suffered)

South Park isn't quite what it used to be either. They rely on Cartman a bit too much to bring the funny nowadays, when back in "the day" all the characters were funny on their own. But if you were going to rely on one characters, I don't see why it shouldn't be Cartman. He's consistently funny (even when the show sucked for a few years). He mostly gets his laughs from screwing people over, and that's always funny to watch. Plus, that Scott Tennerman Must Die epsiode has the best ending to a cartoon ever.

Quote- "If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "Hey. Why don't you stop... dressing me up like a mailman... a-and making me dance for you... while you go and... smoke crack in your bedroom... and have sex with... some guy... I don't even know. On my dad's bed."



4. Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Category- Jerk.
If there's any character out there that can rival Cartman for just being a sheer jerk, it's Master Shake. Master Shake is a milkshake, he's vain, angry, lazy, cruel, and a loud mouth. He hates everyone, mostly his roommate Meatwad, who he has tried to kill on several occasions. Usually he just has to settle for selling him for two dollars or trapping him in a dryer or freezer.

Shake dreams of becoming a movie star, although he has no idea how to land a part. Also, he's probably too lazy to work on a movie, preferring to spend his days watching t.v. or in his neighbor Carl's pool. And that's funny, my friends. That's funny.

Quote- "I will pee all over my pants... and then who ends up looking bad."



3. David Brent from The Office. Category- Pathetic.
Has there ever been a more pitiful character than David Brent? He thinks he's hilarious, but he's not. He thinks he beloved, but he's not. He thinks he inspired Scottish band Texas to become the band they are today, but he didn't. He's also quite rude and mean, without ever realizing it. He lives in a fantasy world. As The Office went on (much too quickly- only 12 episodes and a Christmas special), David's world slowly started to crumble. By the time it was over, he had lost everything.He realized people didn't like him quite as much as he thought (or hoped), he lost his job, he tried to make a music career, which went nowhere. And let me tell you something, when someone this pathetic comes along, you must cherish it. Not a single episode went by where he didn't get a big laugh from me.

Quote- "I haven't got a sign on the door that says white people only. I don't care if you're black, brown or yellow - you know, Orientals make very good workers."



2. Coach McGuirk from Home Movies. Category- Jerk/Pathetic/Idiot.
That's right. Coach McGuirk was a triple threat. He was an unbelievably awesome mix of all three of the main comedy categories. Coach McGurirk was Brendan's soccer coach (even though he hated kids and soccer, a game which he has never played. He doesn't even know the rules) and something of a role model. Except he was a terrible role model and often his advice would lead to more trouble, or at least something illegal or amoral. But he didn't care. McGuirk didn't care about anything or anyone. He was quite stupid as well. He once tried to become a stand up comedian, and his gimmick would be that he was the soccer comedian, but he told no jokes about soccer (but he did wear the whistle and he brought his own goal)

Coach McGuirk was an extremely rare character in my mind. Almost every single time he was on screen, you know something funny would happen. Man, I miss that show

Quote- "Hey, my swords are worth more than all these foods combined."



1. George Costanza from Seinfeld. Category- Jerk/Pathetic.
Yeah, that's right. You had to know it all along. George Costanza is the funniest character ever. Where to begin? He's bald, angry, short, stupid. He spends his time trying to get one over on everybody. Nothing ever goes his way. His girlfriend died because of poisonous envelopes he bought. His parents are crazy. He once ate food out of a garbage can, and then got caught. A hooker once tied him to his bed, then robbed him. Jon Voight once bit him. And then when he thinks he's won, he just makes a fool of himself. Like the time he told the guy that had been mocking him that he slept with his wife, only to find out his wife was in a coma. Or when his fiancee died, he thought that meant he would finally be able to go out with Marisa Tomei. It didn't. This guy is a classic. A titan above all others. I can't see anyone beating him any time soon.

Quote "He was beboppin' and skattin' all over me!"

There you have it. Now go to bed.

(Honorable mentions- Bender from Futurama, Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dick Masterson from MenAreBetterThanWomen.com, GOB Bluth from Arrested Development, Buck Turginson from Dr. Strangelove, Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force)

Gosh...damnit

great


-L

Cat Wars: The Battle for Catlantis

Things are heating up between the Autocats and the Decepticats. This is an important battle, could possibly be the beginning of the end...but for whom?

Happy Halloween, Y'all

It's Halloween, people. And you know what that means. That means Australians don't get to celebrate it. They also don't get to celebrate The Fourth of July or Thanksgiving and they don't believe in nothin'. So anywho, here's a kind of supposed to be scary video shown on CNN a long time ago. Turn the sound up to hear everything you're supposed to hear (sounds like some kind of pig, some weird growling and a woman crying to me, along with the baby crying and screaming. Good stuff.)

Jim Part 2: Dead by Dawn

Oi, chowdaheads. Maynard here bringing you more of Da Good Stuff.

So remember Jim? Bad father, bad person, bad everything? I still know the guy, turns out. Not that I want to, but what are you gonna do, eh? I have to leave my house sometimes. But actually I've been wanting to see him lately, and I'll tell you why, my friends, I'll tell you why.

Because he owes me money.

Actually, I just realized that like 4 people owe me money. But whatever.

So Jim owes me some money. And he's owed it to me for like a month. But everytime I try to see him, he takes off before I can get near enough to grab him and beat the money from his corpse, or his mother makes up some excuse for him. But the other day he bought this new freezer that was too heavy for him to lift. So, after about a month of avoiding me, he sent his son to my place to ask me and Lando to help him move the behemoth (even though it was small and not heavy)

So me and Lando strut on over to his place and we see one of his 8 year old sons running around in the back yard in nothing but his underwear. It's fucking October, Jim. Bad parenting. So anywho, he gives me some song and dance about people ripping him off and that's why he hasn't been able to pay me. That's when I give Lando "The Nod of Judgement." So we start to lift his freezer up his back porch, and Lando somehow or another manages to push the freezer onto Jim's legs, crushing them. Jim screams out (much like a woman) and says "TAKE IT OFF!! PUSH IT OFF!!"

Now, I never thought Lando would actually do anything. But he is so much like a child that he thought Jim wouldn't get hurt or something. All I know is that is was funny.

Jim then gave us some food (which we threw away when we got home) and said he'd have my money on Thursday. I would have Lando go around to all the people that owe me money... and maybe some unfortunate accident befalls them, know what I'm saying? But here's the shocking twist ending... Lando himself owes me 28$

:(

anonymous

ok you IDIOTS! i just found out why no one is leaving us any comments for the kick ass work we have been doing :<


let me tell ya son its because you dont even know HOW! look here all you need to do is go to comments see?


and then click on anonymous at the DAMN bottom of the page and then do the little code thing it gives you

now leave a damn comment MOM!

Top Ten Baddest Motherfuckers of All Time

So I'm starting a new thingy here. My Top Ten lists. Since this site and it's creator (face it Lando, this is my baby) are so bad ass, I figured the first post in this new venture should also be about bad ass characters. I guess some of these people are real... I dunno. You read. You read now.

10. Charlie from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Charlie actually may be the nicest and most kind hearted of all the members of The Gang. When that chicks grandfather died, he was the only one who actually felt sorry for her loss. And his undying love for The Waitress is sweet (not that I'm gay or nothin'.) So whys he on the list? Cause Charlie is also the most awesome of all the characters from IASIP. Like the time he lied about having cancer just to get his friends to pay The Waitress to sleep with him? What's more awesome than that? Or the time he showed up kind of drunk to an AA meeting? Or the time he robbed his own bar, only to be shot in the head? Charlie is awesome. Plus he always sings funny songs, and funny songs get you a long way in my book. No they don't, actually.

Baddest moment- Lying about having cancer.

Best quote- "Ohh, excuse me for being the most terrible man on the planet!"



9. John Locke from Lost. Locke used to be in a wheelchair. This was unbearable for a man like Locke. Why? Because Locke loves to blow shit up. Luckily for him, his plane crashed and it somehow healed him, allowing him to blow shit up for the past 3 seasons. He blew up The Hatch (after he blew up the Hatch door to get inside the Hatch), he blew up that submarine, he killed that Naomi chick,... he's awesome. Plus he's far and away the best character on the best show on t.v. That's why he's bad ass, bitches.

Baddest moment- Killing Naomi...but for a good reason, of course. Locke's not evil.

Best quote- "I'm on my own journey, now."



8. Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange. Alex is a teddy boy. Or whatever. He's a young man from a futuristic England (the future sucks in England I guess. Instead of CD's and mp3 players, they just have tiny tapes). But anywho, Alex finds ways to have fun nonetheless. Like, raping women and beating up rival gang members. And listening to Beethoven.. Alex goes through a huge transformation throughout ACO. He starts out evil and cruel, then after a crazy experiment, he can no longer have any of these violent urges. So he's good, but not because he wanted to be, but because he has no choice. Then the movie ends and he's back to crazy again. Alex is bad ass because... well... I like the way he talks. Right right.

Baddest moment- Alex and his gang of droogs beat up another rival gang after they attempt to rape a woman. Alex doesn't care about what they were trying to do, he just hates those guys and wants to fight them.

Best quote- "I was cured alright."



7. Holden Caulfield from The Catcher in the Rye. Holden is a sad, depressed, retarded young man in the late 1940's, who goes on a magical adventure. Actually, he wasn't retarded, although he was dumb, and his adventure wasn't magical. Although he did get a hooker, and then her pimp beat him up (he didn't do anything with the hooker, he was too scared). Holden has had a huge impact on American society since the 1950's all the way until now. Everyone can relate to him. Sadsack, no friends, lives in his own world. You're just like that and you know it. Holden is bad ass because he's just like you and me, and we're bad ass. Or at least I am.

Baddest moment- Crying on the floor after the pimp hits him. Not really "bad ass", but it was funny.

Best quote- "Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody."



6. Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver. Travis is a lot like Holden except, like, 10x further gone. He's a complete loner, a gun nut, and morally bankrupt. Kind of. He doesn't mind killing people, or being a racist, because deep down he "knows" he's doing the right thing. Which involves killing people, and being a racist. What makes him bad ass? I dunno. I like the way he dresses. And goes crazy.

Baddest moment- Saving Iris, which involves killing people and wearing a mohawk.

Best quote- "He called you a little piece of chicken!" (He, Sport, never called her that)



5. Vegeta from DragonBallZ. Vegeta is a "Bad Man". You can tell because in one episode he wore a pink shirt that he wrote "Bad Man" on the back of. Plus he destroyed planets and millions of lives and stuff. But in the end he became a good guy. Kind of. He started a family because he believed this was the secret to Goku's power. Vegeta basically wanted nothing more than to kick ass and take names. And that's why he's so bad ass. Except that he could never beat Goku, but whatever. Goku ain't bad.

Baddest moment- Probably when he destroyed that entire planet. But to be fair, the planet was full of monster looking people.

Best quote- "Is it for a man, or a woman?!"



4. Lil' Ze from City of God. Lil' Ze might be the most hilarious bad guy ever. Or he is to me at least. On the one hand, he's a psycho. He'll kill women, children, old people, it doesn't matter. On the other hand, he's totally insecure and petty and childish, not to mention bit of a cry baby. He doesn't know how to talk to women and seems to be scared of them. When his rival is arrested and his picture gets put in the paper, Lil' Ze becomes jealous that his picture or name never appears in the paper. The best scene in that whole movie is when Rocket, the star, by complete accident, gets Lil' Ze's picture in the paper. Rocket thinks he's a dead man and that Lil' Ze will be out to kill him now, but Lil' Ze is happy because having his picture in the paper means people "have finally understood who's the boss around here." Gosh, I love that movie so much. Lil' Ze is based on a real guy. I don't know how accurately they portray him in the film, but I want to hang out with this dude. Too bad he's dead...

Baddest moment- Making that little kid (Steak n' Fries) choose which one of his friends he kills

Best Quote- "You wanna dance with me?"



3. Frank Booth from Blue Velvet. Frank is one of the sickest fucks in cinematic history, and that's why he's awesome. Who else would have the courage to kidnap some chick and her family, cut the husbands ear off and basically get into hilarious hijinks like that through a whole movie? Only two people- Frank Booth and me. But they won't let me in the pictures :(

Baddest moment- Beating up Jeffery, and kissing Jeffery, and wearing lipstick all at the same time. Or...you know... the first time we get to actually meet him.

Best quote- "I'll send ya a lover letter...straight from my heart, fucker. You know what a love letter is? It's a fucking bullet from a fucking gun, fucker."



2. Ash from the Evil Dead Trilogy. Ash is one of the biggest smart asses ever. He's always ready to crack a terrible joke at just the wrong time, and that's why he's a bad "mofo". Plus he fights evil and gets chicks like it ain't no thang. And he had a chainsaw attached to one arm. So.. awesome. Plus he works at a store calles S-Mart. And he could never remember the words ^_____^

Baddest moment- Cutting off his own evil hand.

Best quote- "This is my BOOMstick."



1. Max Fischer from Rushmore. C'mon, who's cooler than Max Fischer? Nobody, that's who. Max is a huge prick. He ruins people's lives, double crosses everyone and basically spits in everyones face... all in the name of love. And that's why he's so awesome. And he's only 15. Also, he reminds of this guy I know named Patrick. Patrick wants to be some sort of government guy, and so does Max. But both like to fuck around a lot. Patrick, if you read this... get off my site. And I love you.

Baddest moment- Shooting that Scottish kid in the ear with a BB gun, then offering him a part in his new play.

Best quote- "I'm gonna stick a knife in his heart and send him back to Ireland in a body bag."


There you have it sucka's. The most bad ass bad asses ever. From me to you.

my friend loves bad people

remember my friend? the one who i hate and who i keep thinking had died because he avoids me because of the bad things i say about him? he loves wrestling. i bet one of his favorite wrestlers is batista. batista is a horrible person, judging by what he has to say about his ex-wife in his new book "I Am Batista" or whatever it's called.

"Now, don't get me wrong, my ex-wife is the love of my life and I would never knowingly hurt her. However, while I was busting my butt on the road like a dog, she would sit around the house and do nothing. I mean, yeah, she had cancer, but she couldn't vacuum? And since the chemo made her "not in the mood", I had no choice but to have threesomes on the road. I mean, she's talented and I hated to see her waste her life like that when she could be a dancer, or maybe a nurse. But she's not a bad person and I take full responsibility for my actions, even though it was her fault."

plus i heard that he's got a grandkid. how do you feel about your possible hero now, unnamed friend? how foolish you must feel. wait until i find you. wait until i get my hands on you. im going to bust your ass.

-L

Dumbledore was a homo, turns out.

Aw, GAY!! Remember those Harry Potter books? Yeah. So, remember Dumbledore? That really powerful guy with all that stuff he could do? Turns out he liked boys, according to J.K. Rowling.

Rowling held some sort of gay meeting tonight in some gay place, where she told the audience that Dumbledore was gay and fell in love with his friend Gellert Grindelwald. Which is retarded.

It's also disturbing. Makes you wonder why Dumbledore liked Harry so much, eh? It makes since now. Plus, now we know why he liked to dress so flamboyantly. I've always said they should re-write the books, but tell them from Ron's pathetic point of view, but now I think I'd like to see Dumbledore's point of view instead.

"Dumbledore stared at Harry longingly. Harry noticed. 'You starin' at me bum, mate?' asked Harry jokingly. He didn't know how right he was..."

tacky drawing

i just found this and i know its something maynard must have made cause i would not waste my time on shit like this


its so childish



i believe maynard is the cowboy seen above

Random updates from Hell

Sorry we haven't been updating much. Well, I mean we have, but nothing good. So here's some stuff we've been up to.

Well, we're painting stuff. We painted a house yesterday. Actually it was more like an apartment. Like a townhouse/apartment. Lando kept taking breaks. And he spit root beer all over my shirt. On purpose.

I might be house sitting for my aunt and uncle next week. Well, he's not really my uncle. He's this guy that married my aunt. I think I've mentioned him on here before. Probably not.

I still really want to see There Will Be Blood. I called it last January that Daniel Day-Lewis would win an Oscar for that movie. So if he actually does, everyone will be all like "Dayyyyyum, you da man." I also called that The Departed would win Best Picture back in December of 2004. Then, over two years later, it did win Best Picture. Sometimes I am so amazing I can't stand to be around myself. No one seemed to be impressed by that except me. But whatever.

Hey, look at this

So I might be going to a Halloween party. Or not. I don't like parties to be honest. Plus those lesbians that stole my car are gonna be there maybe. I got my car back by the way, but the brakes are messed up on it. That's a lesbian for you. How are lesbians and walruses alike? They're both fat as shit. Oh, and it's a truck, not a car. I'm no fag.

Tornado's touched down in my town last night. So that's fun.

So now you're updated on what's happening. Stay in touch.

-M

^_________________________^

Japanese people are cruel and hilarious.

Lando is sad, funny.

Yeah, so, me and Lando were moving this couch/futon thing and he got it trapped in the doorway and I couldn't get in the room. So then he yelled "GET IN THERE!!" at me. And then his pants fell down :) And I laughed at him.

Of course, he thinks this makes him cool or something. Like a smartass or whatever. Whatever, man. At least it was only me around. If it had happened to me, you can bet there would have been like, 30 chicks around to see it.

Lando's pants fell down.

funny stuff

ok so i have not posted a new blog in along time it seems so i thought i would let you all know that i have not killed myself (yet)


i have been stuck in a place for a few weeks and did not feel like doing this. but on my trip i did hear a funny story about a funny little someone and a thing they did with their funny little hand!


it seems this someone farted on their hand and tried to get someone they knew to shake it!


but this someone was seen in the act of putting there hand over their ASS and when asked about it they said "i did that so no one could smell it"


and said nothing about why they wanted the other someone to shake their fart hand. also, this person is my niece that i told you about and she is like 3 years old i think and she cries if you mention this story ^__________^ the person she tried to get to shake her hand was my other niece.


well i dont have much else to "blog" about but i thought all my fans would like to hear this funny little story


i love you all so much

-lando

REVIEW- Radiohead "In Rainbows" by Maynard

NOTE: There has been no album art revealed yet for this album, so I'm using this. It's Funny. LOL!! >:~D

So...alright. After over 4 years, Radiohead (AKA The Greatest Band of All Time) have released a new album. They've been working on it for over 2 years and many people (myself included) thought it wouldn't see the light of day until next spring. But Radiohead has always been full of surprises, and not even 2 weeks ago, Jonny Greenwood let the world know that the album would actually be released independently on Oct. 10 through their InRainbows website. Of course, fans went apeshit (in a good way). But that wasn't the big news. The big news was that fans could pay whatever they wanted. I chose to pay nothing, because I know I'm going to buy it once it's released in stores anyways.

Of course, "The Man" has been freaking out since the news. And that's what makes Radiohead so cool (high five)

So anyways, in all the hubbub, people seem to forget the most importnat thing- Radiohead is releasing their first new album in over 4 years. So, the only real question is- how is it? I'll tell you...

It's good. It's really good. I hate to jump the gun, because I haven't heard this one nearly as much as I have the others, but I'm gonna say it's the best since OK Computer. Months before it was released, the band had somewhat compared the two albums. I thought this was a bit of a cop out. OK Computer is considered by more than a few people to be the best album ever made, and comparing their new one to their best one seemed like they were trying to make it sound better than it actually is. And they were, a bit. In Rainbows isn't as good as OK Computer, let's get that straight right now. But it is better than Hail to the Thief and possibly better than Kid A and Amnesiac. I'm going to give it a few more listens to really let it sink in before I go and say something like it's better than either of those 2 albums. Even though I just did a second ago.

But I can understand why they compared it to OK Computer now. It has actual songs, for one thing. With melodies and guitars and strings and stuff. These guys have toned down the experimentations a lot. Some people will love that. I liked the experimentations myself. But whatever.

One thing is for sure- this is the most relaxed and self-assured the band has ever sounded. "House of Cards" is by far the most mellow song these guys have ever done. It's like, easy listening. It's incredible to think this is the same band that once wrote songs like "Paranoid Android" listening to that song. It's the same guy, but he sounds like a whole new person. He almost sounds romantic in songs like "All I Need" and "House of Cards", and Thom Yorke is no fucking romantic. Like I said, he almost sounds like a whole new person.

Speaking of whole new, check out "Nude". It's a song that dates back to the mid 90's, for fuck's sake. I've heard a few different versions of it, and I was terrified they'd fuck it up when they finally decided to record it. I was wrong. It turned out better than we had any right to expect. But really, the whole album did. "Reckoner" is completely different, but I like this version better. Same with "Jigsaw Falling Into Place", which has been slowed down so much I wasn't sure if I had got the right song or not. "Weird Fishes/Arpeggi" is a song I never wanted messed with, and when I heard this version I wasn't sure if I liked it. But I have to admit now, this new version is better. And like most of the songs, it sounds much more upbeat then previous versions. There isn't a bad song on here and it's been years since you could say that about a Radiohead record. And for the record, "All I Need" is the song of the year. I'll pay the 15 bucks just for this song alone. And as we all know, Radiohead usually saves the best (or the near-best) for last, and "Videotape" is no execption. It kinds of reminds me of "Motion Picture Soundtrack", and if you don't know that song then you need to get the fuck off my site. Yorke finishes the album by singing "Today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen", and I think that sums up the New Radiohead. I don't want to sound gay or stupid or whatever, but I've been following this band for my entire adult life and through most of my teen years, and it's just really nice to hear these guys sound cheerful for once.

I'm gonna give this a 9.5 for now. It may go up, it may go down. And if I may be so bold, I'm gonna call this one of the top 3 Radiohead records so far. Buy it when you get the chance.

Best songs- All I Need, Videotape, House of Cards

Oh, and get this- In Rainbows sold 1.2 million copies in one day. All off of one website. Who says they need a record contract? (But of course, I bet most of those people didn't pay a dime...wink wink)

Men are better than women

This warms my heart. Today, Warner Bros. president of production decreed that Warner Bros. is "no longer doing movies with women in the lead."

Thank God.

Look, I like looking at chicks while I'm hiding behind stuff as much as the next guy, but I'm not gonna shell out 8 bucks to watch Hilary Swank look like a man and then die or Whoopi Goldberg become the head coach of the Jew York Knicks. What do I look like to you? Some kind of idiot? You're the idiot, mate, watching those movies.

Surprisingly, some lesbian is upset. Gloria Allred. She said- "“When movies with men as the lead fail, no one says we’ll stop making movies with men in the lead. This is an insult to all moviegoers and particularly women. It is truly unfortunate that women get blamed for decisions [that] are made by men. Instead of taking responsibility for their own lack of judgment about which scripts to make, directors to hire and budgets to OK, some men in the movie industry find it easier to place blame for their lack of success on women leads. [They will] exclude talented female actors from top employment opportunities in Hollywood in favor of macho males. If that studio confirms that their policy is to now exclude women as leads, then my policy would be to boycott films made by Warner Bros.”

To which I reply- Go fuck yourself. I'd like to see you write a movie. I did it once with Lando. It was an awesome script and it almost got picked up, but we put a woman in the lead and that's why no one wanted it. So fuck you.

Anywho.... 100 bucks the average movie goer doesn't even notice Warner Bros. has stopped making movies with women in the lead. No one cares about any of this. No one cares about anything.

-M

Kevin Everett is going to be OK, son, he's going to be OK....

I wonder if they fired someone for this.

Radiohead to release new album, fuck over fans.

Alright, remember how I said Radiohead probably won't release that new album of theirs until Spring? I was wrong. Turns out they're going to release it via digital download on their website on Oct. 10. Or you can pre-order that shit and get it sometime in December, but it's like 80 dollars. But you get the new album, some vinyl stuff and a bonus disk. ORRRRRR, you can wait until next year, when they will release it in stores. Or something. All I know is that they've named it "In Rainbows" and that is by far the worst title they've ever given an album. Worse than "Pablo Honey"

Plus, I've heard different versions of most of the songs they've put on this sucker. I'll buy it just for "All I Need" alone. But they've also got "Nude", which has been around for, like, 10 years already, but it's never been recorded before. Or if it has I haven't heard anything about it. "15 Step" is a good one too and it also made the final cut. I'm kind of confused though, because it's two disks, but I think the first disk is the actual album, and the second disk is just bonus songs that we're recorded at the same time as the album, but they're like, leftovers or something. Why couldn't they just sign a one album record deal with Epic or Capital or whoever and save me from this headache? Bastards of the Earth!!

Either way, since they've decided to make it so hard for me, I'm going to make it hard on them and just download the bastard for free. Even though I could do that on their site. If you do the digital download thing, they let you pick the price. I'm picking 0 dollarydoo's.

Either way, it's Radiohead, and if you're not down with that, you best get to steppin'.

-M

Happy Birfday!!

Happy birthday to Theresa. She's 27 today, or something. In honor of this milestone, here's what many people have called The Round of the Century. Gatti vs. Ward. Although she doesn't deserve shit with the way she acts like a wild FUCKING animal. Happy Birthday.

Gatti vs Ward (round 9)

Add to My Profile | More Videos

REVIEW- "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" by Maynard

Hmmm... It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Curious, curious. There was a time when I considered it one of the funniest t.v. shows ever. And it's still funnier than almost everything on t.v. it's just... different now. And not in a good way.

But let's start with the good stuff. A few weeks ago the first and second season were released on DVD and everyone was happy. The first season is a complete good. Not a bad episode on the list. It's my favorite season because it was when they held back the most. At the time it seemed way too bizarre to be true, and it was. But when the second season came along, things changed ever so slightly. Danny DeVito was added to the cast for one thing. A lot of people didn't like this. I was fine with it, because he was a funny character. Some of the funniest moments of season two were because of him. My main problem is that things got a little too "wacky". Now, there's nothing wrong with being wacky every now and then. And that's what the second season did. It was over the top, but not too often. Season two has my all time favorite episode "The Gang Gives Back", but it also had one or two that were just mediocre. It was a small decline, but it was one I could live with.

Now, after like a year of waiting, season three has arrived. And it's a pretty harsh disappointment. It's just too different for me. During the first two seasons, they used a handheld camera and it had a dark, grimy look to it. Now it's a steady-cam and it's all bright. I don't like that. They've recycled jokes they used every now and then in the first season so that now I can't even enjoy the jokes anymore. How many times do we have to be reminded that Charlie can't read or spell? How many times in an episode does the gang need to break down into bitter fighting? The character growth has stopped 100%. This is kind of tricky. I like the way the characters were in the first two seasons, and there was no growth there either. But these characters almost seem like parody's of themselves. It's painful, my friends.

I'm not saying these episodes completely suck. I can find at least one thing to laugh at in every episode so far. But it used to be much more than one laugh per episode. It's like when a musician suddenly becomes famous. He thinks to himself "ok, people liked my last album, so how am I going to follow it up? I got it!! I'll do the same thing, except bigger and louder!!" That's what seems to have become of this show. But we're only four episodes in. Things can turn around really quickly. And if they don't, at least we have the first two seasons.

Sweet Bastard!! Fall's a-Comin'!!

Wow, it seems like Summer just started, right? Well kiss that bastard goodbye, because it's all but gone!! While I'll miss the nice weather, there are several things I won't be missing, and plenty of things I'll be looking forward to. So strap yourself in as we look back and then look forward at breakneck speed!!

MOVIES-
I saw 2, and only 2, good movies this summer. Knocked Up and Superbad. Don't get me wrong, I'm as elitist as they come most of the time, but these two lowbrow movies, full of dick jokes and sex jokes and all those other kinds of jokes, were actually really good. So far I'd call Superbad the best movie of the year. But as anyone who knows anything will tell you, this year has sucked for movies. For the most part, the summer season was full of sequels which all but ruined their franchises. Spider-Man 2 is the best comic book movie ever made, but Spider-Man 3 wasn't even half of what part 2 was. Then that Pirates of the Caribbean 3 sucked, but everyone saw that one coming from a mile away. Basically it was a summer of disappointments for movie lovers everywhere, but what summer isn't?

MUSIC-
This summer was chock full of "hot jams" for young white people to enjoy everywhere. I can't name a single one, because I stopped listening to the radio long ago. I admit to being an elitist prick when it comes to movies, but I'm 10x worse when it comes to music. But there were a few decent albums over the summer. Like.... hey, did you know "Broken Social Scene Presents Kevin Drew, Spirit If..." comes out today? GO BUY IT!! Or download it, it doesn't make any difference to me.

PERSONAL-
This summer I got laid like a motherfucker. No. No, I'm lying. But I did move. And... I got a job, which I quit. What else, what else? My dad bought me some lottery tickets a few times. Didn't win anything. I guess that's all I did this summer.

Now on to what I'm looking forward to this Fall...

MOVIES-
There Will Be Blood. I read the script over the summer and it's awesome. I know I brag a lot about reading the script, but it's probably the coolest thing I've ever done. Dang, I should have mentioned that as something I did over the summer. Ah well, too late now. Anyways, I'll watch anything with Daniel Day-Lewis, even that pretty much awful The Ballad of Jack and Rose. I saw the trailer a few weeks ago and it looks like they stayed true to the script pretty much, but I'm worried Paul Dano might fuck up the character of Eli. In the script he could have been many things- he was crazy, but he seemed human. He was an egotist, but he could also be weak and scared. But judging by the trailer, it looks like Dano is going for pure bombast. Lots of screaming and flailing of the limbs. Not cool. But that's just the trailer, who knows how the movie will turn out? Anywho, I'm also excited to see I'm Not There. I love's me some Bob Dylan. The movie got good reviews for the most part and everyone is talking about how great Cate Blanchett is (Lando says- "BUT SHE'S A GIRL!!") Fuck that shit. If it's Dyaln, I'm there... I didn't mean for that to be like a pun. I'm not saying "I'm there" because the name of the movie is "I'm Not There"...

MUSIC-
Well, Radiohead let me down once again. I've been waiting patiently for 4 years now, and still no new album. What makes it worse is that they've actually finished the album, now they need to shop it around to a new label, then the label has to figure out how to market it (here's a hint- just say "Radiohead's new album" and everyone will come running), ect. so it looks like the earliest I'll be able to hear this bastard is early next year. But who wants to release an album in, like, January? I'll bet it doesn't see the light of day until next spring. Bastards. But hey, at least we have Spirit If..., right? What else is coming out this Fall? Bruce Springsteen has a new album. I'll make sure to skip that one. What's he done since The Rising that's worth shit anyways? Your mother, for one!! Oh wait- NO SHE ISN'T!! BOO YAH!!

PERSONAL-
I hope to keep living for at least the next few months. Also, maybe I should get a better job. And some better friends. And watch the Colts beat all who dare get in their way. Fuck it. If you've read all this you're a loser anyways.

-M

The pressure is KILLING ME!!!

So the pressure is really getting to me here at http://www.maynardandlando.blogspot.com/ with maynard always yelling at me "YOU HAVE TO HELP KEEP THIS SHITTY PAGE GOING!"

I dont even know why I should help I mean this page is going under no matter what we do! and its because of you people you call yourselves "maynard and landoholics" but you're just a bunch of backstabbers.


So here is a new episode of cat wars


enjoy ;)

Jim (the ongoing struggle)

Hello dear ones. Maynard here with more Tales from Beyond.

So I know this man. A man I will call "Jim", because that's his name. Jim is many things. A bad parent, a bad friend, a bad boss, ect. I first met him through my dad. They know each other, somehow. Jim used to be a cook or something, but he always complains about how much he hates cooking. But then he brags about how great he is at it. Plus he's always getting sick, and then bragging about how he has never died from an illness. Neither have I, jackass. And he's small and has grubby little hands. Jim has become something of a tutor to me. It turns out there's some things me aren't so smart at. And I'll give him some credit, he sures knows how to cheat and read out of books and learn how to do those things, and then teach them to me like he knew how to do it all along. He's almost a master at it. I think I am probably better at it though, because I would go in another room and do it, whereas he likes to do it right in front me. But whatever.

So yesterday Jim decided he was moving, and he decided I must be awesome at it, cause he heard about how I helped that chick move (I guess he either didn't hear or didn't care that I broke her table). So I wake up and head on over to his place, and, like that chick, he decided against packing. What's wrong with these people? So we barrow these lesbians truck...well, actually it's my dad's truck, but he gave it to me, but they barrowed it and haven't gotten a new car yet, so it's still my truck but I never get to use it. Anyways. So we start packing when his 10 year old kids show up and decide they're going to help. Except they don't help, they just get in the way and fight and scream all the time, and that in turn gets Jim screaming and yelling, which in turn causes his old mother to start screaming and all that stuff. I don't like screaming. It rattles my nerves and makes me jumpy. So I really wanted to get out of there, but he promised me money (which I later learned meant "five dollars"), so I worked with him, slowly, for 8 hours. And his dumb friend showed up and started telling all these bad jokes. Like these chicks came up and started talking about how nice Jim's new house is, and how their house is a "caddyshack", which caused Jim's friend to say "Does Chevy Chase and Bill Murray live there?" They didn't get the joke. I laughed, but in more of a "you're pathetic" way. Plus he was bald on top, but had an 80's ponytail. And his son was there, but they didn't look a thing like each other.

Anyways, I totally didn't go back to help him today like I said I would. I am thinking of, you know, pretending I died, and I can just avoid him for awhile. Because of how annoying he is. He is forcing me to do this!!

Screw it. You guys don't know shit anyways.

-M

Rest...in...PIECES!!!

Ok. So i told you all about my friend who would not join maynard and I. Well it turns out he really did kill himself or something because i have not seen him in days. So i thought i would tell you all a little about this man so that you may know him just a little better.



First off i wanted to show you what he looks like but i dont think the family would like that much. So i am going to draw it for you. Here it is




this is just how my friend looked.

He was a good man even if he did not like helping his friends out when they needed a bit of help to get http://www.maynardandlando.blogspot.com/ off the ground.


And he was always mean to little kids and hated everyone and could never get chicks because he was weird and always tried his very best to make you feel bad about yourself only because he hated himself so much that he had to make everyone else feel just as bad as he did.


But all in all he was a good man and a good friend.


you will be missed



R.I.P.

-Lando

Oh my fuck

Apparently this video has been floating around for a few months now. How did I not know of this before tonight? I can't remember what life was like before it. Now, I've had some embarrassing shit happen to me before, but if I were this grown man I couldn't go on living. Also, that old lady is a bitch.

-M

I'm awkward.

So, today, I was minding my own business and all, taking care of some man business with my dad when a call comes in on his phone. It's this chick he works with asking for me. I take the phone and say "hello?" She asks me to meet her in front of her office. "Alright", I say. Then I strut my man ass on over to her office. She's sitting there with this black chick. She asks me if I can help her move some things of hers to a new apartment because she needs "a mans help." I flash her my million dollar smile and say "Ok."

So I go and get my homeboy Lando, and together we head off on our wild adventure.

We get there, and it turns out there ain't shit packed. I was under the impression that we'd have to move a couch or something, not that we'd have to help her move all her belongings. So we start taking care of business like it ain't shit, but then a commercial comes on the radio. "Did you know African American women are more likely than anyone to contract AIDS? More African American women die from AIDS than all other ethnic groups combined", ect. Me and Lando look at each other, not sure what we should do. Like, should we say "Sorry"? to the black lady? Luckily I didn't need to think up anything to say, because not long after that I broke her glass table. I was trying to put it in her car and I flipped it over so it would fit better and the glass top came out and shattered all over the ground. I considered running away, but I stayed and took it like man. It was awkward. And this shit is always happening to me. When I went to see "Superbad" I knocked a drink out of a chicks hand on accident. This one time I went to get ice cream and I thought the lady was going to say "Have a nice day", but instead she said "Come and see us again", so I just instictivly said "You too." One time I called this lady to find out some information and in my mind I was thinking "Say 'thank you', not 'thanks'. 'Thank you' sounds nicer" but "Thanks you" is what came out instead.

Anyways... then some of her friends came over and starting acting like real ladies should. "Damn, nigger", one of them said. "Fuck", "shit", you name it. Real classy dames.

Anyways, I did not get paid, but I did skip a class tonight. So it all worked out.

-Maynard.

Trashy whore destroys career in front of everyone

So last night those VMA things were on that channel that plays those VMA things. Why do they do that anymore? They only play videos in the mornings when no one watches them . Then the rest of the day they devote to trashy sluts acting like bitches. And speaking of that, look at this video.

One time my 5 year old niece came up to me and started singing me a song. It was a bad performance. But this!! The best part is when it shows 50 Cent looking confused/disgusted. But every time she dances is pure comic gold as well. And when everyone has to help her move around the stage. She'll probably kill herself pretty soon, and if she does I will feel bad. But until then...

-L

(sings) CAT WARS!! CAT WARS!! Rockin' the U.S.A!!

Don't act like you're too good to enjoy this ;)

-M

A bad friend?

Today I offerd a friend of mine a great spot here at Maynard and Lando


And for some reason he said no. Well i was shocked after all i was just trying to save his life. He needs this more then we need him i am worried that in the next week he will commit suicide.


So i am sorry to say that for now we have no number 3 man here but all we really need is Maynard and Lando so fuck it



with deep love- Lando

Venice Film Festival winners and thoughts

Okay, so I know I just posted a blog, but that was before I knew about this Venice Film Festival shit. Cate Blanchett won Best Actress for I'm Not There, the biopic on Bob Dylan, while Brad Pitt took home Best Actor for The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford Movie Film for Theaters. Ang Lee's Lust, Caution took home the top prize of the festival, despite some fairly negative reviews by many who saw it.

"Fuck those guys", said Lee when accepting his award. No, he didn't, but he was probably thinking it.

So what does this mean for next years Oscar race? Nothing, for the most part. Last year Ben Affleck won Best Actor for some movie nobody saw. Remember how that turned out? I'll remind you. He didn't get an Oscar. Or even a nomination. In the long run, the Venice Film Festival is just a nice little award that doesn't mean shit by itself. Ben Affleck isn't going to show off his Venice Film Festival Best Actor award to his grandkids. Actually, he probably will. It'll be like when your grandparents show you their bowling trophies and you act all impressed, but you don't care. And then Matt Damon will show up and Affleck's grandkids will run into his arms. Drop dead, Affleck.

REVIEW- Kevin Drew Spirit If... by Maynard

Broken Social Scene presents "Kevin Drew- Spirit If..." sucks. No, it doesn't. It actually rules. It's the best album I've heard all year. Not that that's saying much. This year has been one big disappointment after another.

But "Spirit If..." isn't a disappointment. Part of the reason it isn't a huge disappointment is because it's very good, but the other, bigger reason is because I had very low expectations going in.

I thought BBS's last album, "Broken Social Scene" was kind of a let down. It had some really great songs, but they fell into the trap of thinking "Bigger means Better." Rarely do things actually turn out that way. They had way too many loud horns, huge choruses, ect. You could tell they were just grasping at straws, trying to find a way to top their magnificent "You Forget It In People", which is one of the few true classics released this decade.

Kevin Drew has always been the mastermind behind BBS, so the "failure" (for lack of a better term) of "Broken Social Scene" I laid squarely on his shoulders. So I thought his first solo album (even though all the music is played by the members of BBS) would be more of the same. Big, huge numbers when he should stick to the small and simple.

The result is a nice mix of both, actually. Drew has plenty of the small, understated songs I like so much (Gang Bang Suicide, Safety Bricks) but he also has the big, loud, sing-along songs he's grown to love (Farewell to the Pressure Kids, Lucky Ones). I was surprised by how good this album is.

Drew has seemingly gone the way of Arcade Fire, bringing a Bruce Springsteen feel to the album. I thought it was a good move for Arcade Fire (a pretty overrated band, if you ask me) and it works for Kevin Drew. You can really hear it on Lucky Ones, which is one of the best songs on the album. A pure straight ahead rocker, which back in 2003 would have meant it was just a Dinosuar Jr. sound alike.

All in all, it's a good album and gives me hope for the next Broken Social Scene presents album (Brendan Canning's album is coming next year)

Rating- 9.3 Best Songs- Farewell to the Pressure Kids, Lucky Ones, Gang Bang Suicide

P.S. And no one drops the word "fuck" quite as well as Drew.

Lando Interview

Howdy folks. In an effort for you to get to know us, we're doing an interview today with Lando. Enjoy it while you can.

Question- How old are you?

Lando Cruise- 45. Ha ha, just kidding (winks)

Q- Ha ha. But really, how old are you?

LC- I've had enough of this interview!

Q- No, wait, I'm sorry, don't go. What's a good question for me to ask?

LC- "What's your favorite food" "What's your favorite color?"

Q- What's your favorite color?

LC- I don't know.

Q- Alright. So why did you want to create this site?

LC- To help people.

Q- How do you mean? I mean, "What" do you mean?

LC- Uh... insperation.

Q- What?

LC- People nowadays need help getting through their day to day lives. That's what I'm here for. (at this point, Lando spills coke all over his pants) FUCK IT!! FUCK!!

Q- Ah jeez, what'd you do that for?

LC- I didn't do it because I love to do it!! Get me a towel.

Q- Actually, I have to go now.

LC- You're a cocksucker. You screwed me.

Welcome, fuckers

Welcome to our site. This page is run by me, The Always Classy Maynard, and Lando Cruise. He gets his name because he is always cruising for chicks, and he gets them.


This page is run for us, mostly, but also for like minded people. People who like to party and have a good time at other peoples expense. We're just like Twisted Sister, in a way, except that we're the exact opposite, because we're really not "Going to Take It Anymore"

So enjoy.