Stalker Madness

Hello folks. Maynard here with a few updates. Mostly of the stalker variety.

So a few nights ago I was up at about 5:00 a.m. My job requires me to work 7:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m., so on my days off I'm up all night. Well, I was playing video games and someone knocked on my door. I figure it will be Saucy Sally wanting to go on a walk. So I answer the door and there's this short, fat blond woman crying. I figure, oh shit, she must be hurt or in trouble.

She says, "Uh.., are you alone?" "No", I replied. "Can I come in for a second?", she asked. I tell her to come on in. I go to get my phone because I figure she must have been in a car accident or something. I turn around and she's sitting in my chair, drinking a beer. "Uh...", I say. She asks if she can smoke. I say, "I guess..."

I ask if she needs a phone. She already has one. I ask what's going on. She tells me she lives two towns over and she has no idea how she got here. She said she was drinking and doing drugs all night and when she came too she was wandering the town. She also told me she spent 14 months in a woman's prison.

"Great", I think to myself, "she's going to stab me and rob me." She sits there crying and shit. She asks if I can drive. "Yeah, but I don't have a car with me". This makes her cry even more. She calls some bimbo and asks if she can pick her up. Her bimbo friend tells her she has to go to work and she can't do it.

So this woman (who I really think is The Drunken Whore that was fucking with Frankie Teardrop) asks if I have any brothers or sisters. "Yeah, I have a sister who lives close by", I say. "She got beer?", asks the whore. "No, she doesn't really drink all that much" I lied.

Then she asked if she could borrow some money and I said no. Then I told her Lando would be waking up soon and she had to go. She drank her beer and wandered out the door.

Good story. But it's not over. I'm at work later that night and the next morning when I see Lando he tells me this bitch showed up again. She knocked on the door and when my brother opened it she just walked right in. Lando jumped up and I guess started yelling at her to get out. She said, "Well, can you come out here and keep me company then?" Lando told her he doesn't even know her. So she got mad and said "FINE", and left. Later they saw her banging on someones door and then trying to break in.

Sigh. Oh well, maybe she died.

Our second story begins at work. There's this relatively hot chick at work. There's this weird fucking Jeffery Dahmer looking motherfucker who is obsessed with her at work. She's telling me and my sister that he's been writing her on myspace (she never gave him her myspace) and he's leaving her messages that says "if we're going to go out we better do it soon cause I'm not waiting..."

This dude gives me the fucking creeps. I've seen them in the break room together. He sits down next to her and stares at the wall, never saying a word.

Anywho, so this chick has an idea to make up a new myspace account and pretend she already has a boyfriend. Which was her way of saying, "Maynard, please be my boyfriend and please protect my from this psycho."

To which I replied, "Look, I think you're nice, but you're not my type. You're way too uptight and, frankly, something of a halfwit. But I'm flattered, really."

Then everyone stared at me :(

-M