One Billion

-L

Happy Birthday, Sam

Here's your present-



-L

Super Updates

Time for some updates to let everyone know what's going on.

First off- holy fucking shit my back hurts. I hurt it about a month ago at work. I thought it was getting better, but then I woke up today. I feel like an 80 year old man.

How about them Colts, eh? 9-0 so far. Peyton Manning deserves to get his fourth MVP award for this season. With that in mind, what do you think the odds are he actually gets it? Pretty slim I think. I'm betting they give it to Favre. Or Brees. Oh, did you know Drew Brees mom committed suicide? That was a bit of a surprise for me. Also- Jim Caldwell = Coach of the year.

Lost comes back Feb. 2nd. Just thought I'd let you know.

Is it just me, or is someone singing along to the radio the most annoying thing in the world? You know, besides, like... kids starving or something.

Man, my back REALLY hurts.

It's late November and 60 degrees outside. Al Gore was right?

I think if I ever met Glenn Beck in person, I'd spit in his face. I've very rarely hated anyone as much as I hate that guy.

Alright, I'm gonna watch the game now. So fuck off. Fuck off my site.

-M

DL's Face

So I have this friend at work. Well, you know. Not really a friend. Like, we don't hang out or nothin'. But we talk at work sometimes. I'll call him DL. So DL had to go to jail for awhile. For pot possession. Then he just got out a little over a month ago. Then he came back to work, but disappeared after just a week. We were all making fun of him for not being able to cut it after getting fucked while in prison, and joked that he probably died. But see, that's really just how we joke. We're not bad people. We would never wish for that to really happen to anyone. Just harmless fun.

So then I found out he got hit by a car and was in the hospital for a long time. He claims to have died twice. He cracked his skull on the pavement. Now half of his face doesn't work. Also, his tear ducts are all fucked up and the left side of his face, so sometimes bloody tears leak out.

So... sorry DL. I don't know if I somehow caused this to happen because I have powers probably... so, sorry.

-M

Yeah, Remember Earlier?

When I was all proud of Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize? And how proud it made me to be an Amiercan? Then I found this video. I'm back to being depressed about being an American.



-M

Wait, What?

Through the Fog

Whoa. Weird. Today is pretty much my first sober day in a month. I've done nothing but party lately. That's why there hasn't been any postings. Too busy enjoying my life.

No, this isn't some sort of "I've discovered I don't need drugs and alcohol to be happy" type things. I do need drugs and alcohol to be happy. My life fucking sucks. I need to get fuckered up almost every single day just to function. I'm thinking of moving on to harder stuff. But for today, I'll stay clean and let you know what's going down with a few random updates.

Friends- still suck. I've been avoiding two of my closest friends for the past three weeks. I never really thought about it before, but I'm a stereotypical loner. I really, REALLY dislike all of my friends. Whenever I get invited to their houses, I make up some bullshit excuse. Given the choice, 99% of the time I'd rather be off by myself than with other humans.

Family- Not much to say here. All my family's birthdays seem so collide at about the end of August. From them until, like, the end of January everyone has a birthday coming up. Saucy Sally has a birthday pretty soon. Gift ideas? None to speak of. If I can find, like, a really cool bong with some sort of dragon on it, my life would be golden. Although, truth be told, I'd just keep it for myself :(

Work- Sucks.

Sports- I've been unusually lazy recently. Luckily, I've made up for it by following sports really closely. I remember about ten years ago I went through this whole tennis phase. I knew everything about all the best players (Sampras being my personal favorite). I just started watching the U.S. Open this week and everything is completely different. But still fun. I like Nadal alot. Especially during his interviews. Is it just me, or does he seem really, REALLY stupid? Like he can't make complete sentences. I know English isn't his first language, but come on. Also, I'm a little sad that there aren't that many slam pieces on the ladies side. Serena Williams is fucking gross. She looks like Kimbo Slice. I bet she could kick my ass without trying. Sure, she "wins" alot, but at what cost?

Anyways. Yeah. I'm gonna go now. I think I'll take a nap. or watch t.v.

You know, whatever.

-M

Yes

Story of My Life

Lando, Big T and I were driving home from work the other day. On our way home, we drove by a soccer field full of babes. Big T and I were scoping them out. Totally trying out our lines on them for when we drove by. As we got closer, we realized they were 7 year olds.

-M

Freaks

Freaks, man. They flock to me. I've only really noticed in the last year or so. Weirdos surround me. They love me.

"Big T". 5'3" Peurto Rican. Husband to a drug dealer. Soldier in two America wars/conflicts. Erratic speech patterns.

JD. Spastic man-child covered in hair. Husband to an abusive wife. Star Wars expert.

Donald. 40 year old virgin. I'm 90% sure he has some form of autism, and I'm not joking one bit. Star Wars knowledge rivaled only by JD and Frankie Teardrop. Nicest person I've ever met? To a scary degree, almost.

Frankie Teardrop. Recurring enemy to Maynard and Lando. Military fetishist. Star Wars expert. "Joking" racist?

Saucy Sally. Wife to Frankie Teardrop. Life's motto- "Smoke 'em if ya got 'em." Deep seething rageoholic? Or just high?

Black Tony. 300 lbs. black man. 50 years old. Big T's wife hit him in the face with a base ball bat 3 decades ago. Former big time drug trafficker. Served 8 years in prison. Tells the weirdest stories I've ever heard.

Blondie. A male. Walks like a robot, stiffly and without moving his limbs. Ultimate goal in life is to come over to my house and get high with me.

DL. Starts every sentence with either "'ey dawg," or "'eh man,". Currently serving a three month sentence in jail for drug possession, but he swears he, "'idn't do it."

Yeah. Those are the people who we hang out with. Then at work they brought me this trainee. Within an hour I know this freaks whole life story. He was "turning his life around. New house, new whore, new job." He told me that the place I used to work at was a place he started. He was the "first man through the door." He hired "half the techs that work there." He used to make a lot of the machinery that our shared current place of employment uses daily. His wife, 20 years his junior, got an abortion several months earlier, because her dad told her to. It "killed him." It hurt even worse because last year he lent the man 5,000$ "just like that. Never even learned what for." Ouch. Wow. Then he told me he liked the girls that worked there because they're "all whores and that's what I want."

Then he told me a story about how during his class to study the jobs they would be doing, he saw some chick staring at him. But he wasn't sure if she was staring at him or the guy next to him, he started rubbing his crotch while staring at her face. She watched him for a second and then saw him staring at her, and she quickly turned her head. He laughed like a bastard. Then he told me he likes working hard and being covered in sweat. Like, I swear he said that.

:|

So how have you been, dears?

-M

This Just In

Me and my sister were walking to my house today and we saw these little five year old kids walking around together. One of them said, "You ready to jet, dawg? Let's do this." Then my sister got real depressed about the state of the world. I stopped caring long ago.

-M

I Feel Dirty

So there's this dude I hang out with. His name is... um... we'll call him JD. Yeah. Well, JD is married to this chick, named.... HD. HD controls JD's very existence. JD can do nothing without HD's say so. Now, this isn't exactly a terrible thing. JD isn't all that smart. He wastes his money and pulls stupid stunts all the time.

HD has this thing- she won't allow pornography in the house. So JD has this plan. He'll use me to order his porn. He'll give me the money, then I order out of some porno catalogue. From the list he gave me, he seems to like the whole MILF thing. I guess I'm supposed to just bring the porno to work with me and hand it to him there? Or do I bring it to his house? He's gonna get caught. No doubt about it. He's already been caught with pics of other girls on his phone. When HD discovered this, JD was beaten. He often gets beaten by HD. He's like a dog or something. He keeps pulling the same shit and he gets getting beaten down. He never learns. I feel like I shouldn't help him, but it's sort of funny. In a sad way.

Fuck my life?

-M

The Ballad of Black Tony

Hey dudes. Maynard here. Haven't written in awhile. I seem to sleep less and less these days... :(

Anywho, so I'll tell you more about Black Tony. This one time he told us how he and his friends would play in junkyards when he was a kid. They would find used syringes and fill them with water and spray them at each other.

Then he and his friends would cut the tops off the cars of drug dealers, so the drug dealers would look like they have convertibles. Then they would take the car tops down to a creek and float down it.

The end.

-M

For No Reason

I've been meaning to write a couple of blogs lately. First I was gonna review Wilco's new album, Wilco {The Album}, but the thing was so boring and uninspired that, well, I've forgotten everything about it. I can remember bits and pieces of the songs, but everything else is a blank. I sort of have a rule about writing reviews for albums until I've heard it at least twice, so I guess it'll have to wait. But I really don't feel like giving it a second chance. The things I do for you people...

Also, me and Lando are gonna do something about video games. InFamous vs. Prototype. Which is the Game of the Summer? Dunno yet. We still have to beat Prototype. Until then, enjoy this random bullshit picture we found. Full of Win, say I.

-M

I Love Black People

Howdy kittens. Maynard here, to update you on some goings ons.

I figured I'd tell you a little about work. Or rather, this incredibly weird dude at work. I won't use his real name because he's black and if he finds out he might shoot me. I don't know. We'll call him Black Tony.

Black Tony is about 50 years old, 300 lbs and a former drug dealer who spent 8 years in prison. For dealing drugs, you see. Anywho, so this dude is weird. Really weird. He always has these insane fucking stories that he tells us out of nowhere. We were in the break room awhile back, watching CNN talk about a plane crash I think, so he tells us a story about how about 10 years ago he was living in these apartments. He lived upstairs and below him lived two homosexuals. One day Black Tony heard a commotion downstairs. He left his apartment and saw the two homosexuals stabbing each other with kitchen knives. He sat and watched them try to kill each other for a few minutes. Then they tried to fight their way upstairs. So Black Tony grabbed a bar from the railing on the stairs, pull it clean off the railing with his bare hands and said, "You best stay the fuck down there, man!" Then some old lady came out of her apartment to see what was going on. Black Tony said "Ma'am, you best just go back on inside." Of course, because she was old, she just sat there watching the fight (even though Black Tony himself was doing the exact same thing.)

Next thing Black Tony knows, the two homosexuals had taken their fight outside and had managed to smash into his car, ruining his driver side door.

Then he was telling us how he was living in these apartments one time and he smelled smoke. He looked all over his place, but nothing was on fire. He follows the smell of the smoke out into the hallway. The entire hallway was covered in smoke. He noticed the smoke was coming out of another apartment. He broke into the place and saw that the fire had started because some drunk or drugged out dude had been trying to cook smoked sausages and for some reason had set his frying pan on his mattress. We all assumed Black Tony was the one who sold him the crack, but whatever, Funny story.

Black Tony is also quite learned when it comes to world events. For instance, he knows people all over the world (especially Africa) are starving. Black Tony has a solution. And I quote- "I always be watching them nature shows on t.v., and they always show them antelope running around. Well- shoot em'. Solve world hunger right there."

Perhaps my favorite Black Tony moment came the other day during lunch break. He was telling me how his bosses are racist against him and blame him for everything. He then told me, "It's just like Lando. Lando comes in here everyday and they tell him to do this or to clean that, but at the end of the day, Lando is still Lando. And they don't like that."

You know for a fact that if Lando is someone's beacon of hope then that person has serious problems. Drug related problems. I want to make a show out of this guys life. Seriously.

See you next time, young'ins.

-M

My Life Come to Life

Or come to painting. My life is this painting come to life. That's it.

Lessons from Frankie

Frankie Teardrop is a legend in his own time. Just ask him. He's one of the baddest and best looking motherfuckers of all time. He's a sage warrior. A manic poet.

He's also chalk full of advice. I'm going to pass some of his words of wisdom on to you, faithful reader. Enjoy the realness.

1. Never spend and entire day eating and smoking and drinking beer and then smoke some pot. You'll throw up.

2. Simon and Garfunkle suck. But it's also cool to drive around blasting "The Sound of Silence".

3. The best way to do a push up is to pretend you're having sex.

4. It's always important to make friends with foreigners, that way when shit goes wrong they can be blamed for it.

5. Asian men are sexually inadequate.

6. The best way to pass a drug test is to say you have kidney stones. Then when you have to pee in the cup, just pee a little, then give yourself a nosebleed and somehow get the blood in the cup with the urine, then clean yourself up, then give them the pee. You might get sent home from work.

7. Every single movie ever is better when high. Like "Troll 2".

8. Puerto Rico is just Mexico, except and island version of Mexico.

9. Killing dogs senselessly is hilarious... okay, I made that one up.

Anywho, I love Frankie Teardrop. Everyday is a new adventure. A racist, pot fueled adventure. Truly a man of his time.

-M

Fuck This Rollercoaster

I'm gonna go buy a slushy now. Enjoy the "Realness"

-M

The Illest

I'm sick. Flu and viral pneumonia. Got a week off work though. I'm not sure what viral pneumonia is. How's it different from regular pneumonia? Either way I feel like I'm going to die. And the doctors were really weird. And there was this midget asking me questions :( I hate being sick.

-M

OH YEAH!!!

-M