Cat Wars: "This is Our Demands"

good lord. this just in!! emperor mittens, emperor of all felines (except big cats like tigers and lions and stuff) has just sent in a new video to CNN. experts were shocked to learn mittens had almost taught himself english. it kinds of sounds chinese though. you know how when we make fun of chinese people by saying "chinchongchang" and stuff like that? this sounds like that.

too bad CNN didn't take him seriously. they seem to have put a laugh track in the background. to mock him, i would guess. he really seems nervous. things are really heating up in these... CAT WARS!!!!



-L

REVIEW- No Country for Old Men by Maynard

Everybody loves the Coens, right? After Fargo, The Big Lebowski and O Brother, Where Art Thou?, they've earned their place in American cinema history. But after O Brother, they kind of just lost it. Their movies were still enjoyable on a certain level, but you couldn't compare them to the classics. They were just pale imitations. I had written them off. I'd heard about No Country for Old Men early last year, but I wasn't excited about it. They took this new movie to Cannes, where it was raved, and I still didn't care. I figured they were just "blowing smoke", as the young people say.

But the good reviews kept coming, so I finally decided to get a little interested. One problem- It wasn't going to be playing at my local theater. Or anywhere else near me. So... well, I saw it, ok? That's all that matters.

Now for the actual review. No Country for Old Men is the best Coen brothers movie since Fargo. It might be better than Fargo, I can't tell yet. I wasn't a huge fan of Fargo when it first came out and now I love it. I already love No Country for Old Men, so who knows how I might feel in a year? Hard to tell, I've only seen it once, but everyone tells me it gets better with a second viewing. Only time will tell whether or not they're lying dogs.

Jeez, this is a bad review so far. Time to get super serious. NCFOM is about this man, Llewelyn Moss, who stumbles upon a drug deal gone wrong. Dead bodies everywhere (even a dead dog, wink wink). He also finds a shit-load of money. He takes the money, which is the worst possible thing he could do. It sets off a chain of events that the movie follows with close attention to detail.

Moss is being chased by Anton Chigurh, played by Javier Bardem. Bardem deserved an Oscar back in 2000 for Before Night Falls, and odds are that he'll win Supporting Actor this year. Bardem is good, but not Oscar worthy. He's entertaining, but don't listen to the people who are telling you this is the best performance of the year. Tommy Lee Jones and Josh Brolin are better, even if their parts aren't as flashy.

That being said, Chigurh is a lot of fun to watch. He's given the best scenes and the funniest lines, ect. I haven't mentioned it yet, but NCFOM is a funny movie. But you already knew that, cause it's a Coens movie. They can't help themselves.

But it isn't a comedy movie. It deals with some serious issues, like .. you know, Americans and violence and everything. It's got some incredibly violent scenes, and they're incredibly entertaining. The scene where Moss and Chigurh go at it in the streets is probably the best scene I've seen this year. This movie has two or three Scene of the Year contenders.

Jones and Brolin are terrific, but I can't see them getting much awards attention. I think Moss is the most relateable character. I could see myself doing the same things he does, even though I kept thinking "DON'T DO IT!!" But it's too late, he does it. Maybe we should take this as a warning or something. Sometimes it's best not to get what you think you want.

Jones is great. He's funny and he plays the moral center of the film just right. I'm one of the few who's never really liked Jones much at all, but he's great here. He plays a guy we all strive to be like, yet when you think about it, it's clear he's something of a failure. You could make the argument that things turn out the way they do because of his failure to act. He's clearly the Old Man who just doesn't understand this world anymore. This dark, ugly world, embodied by Bardem.

This review has been pretty terrible. I've waited a few days to wrap my mind around this movie, but it's not working. It seems so simple when you're watching it, but once it's over all these big ideas just start flowing that you didn't pick up on while watching it. I'm gonna give this a 9.0. It might even go up with repeated viewings. I've predicted this as my Best Picture winner, but I'm not so sure. It's very violent and might even scare some people. The movie is probably the best of the year and the Coens are overdue, so I'm not changing my predictions just yet, but it's not a lock by any means.

If you can find it, see it. Any way you can.

Top Ten: Most Satisfying Endings

Some guy once said something really clever about endings. Like, everything can suck, but if the ending is good everyone will like it. Was it Brian Cox? He was funny in Rushmore. I love Rushmore, and yes, it'll be on this list. So let's do this shit.

10. Catcher on the Rye- Holden watches his little sister on the merry-go-round, then he goes to a mental institution. Everyone knows this ending and I don't know of anyone who dislikes it. It's been out for like 50 or 60 years and no one can think up a better way for it to end.


9. Wolf at the Door from Radiohead's Hail to the Thief- There are better Radiohead songs. There are better Radiohead songs that end their albums. But there's none quite as tongue in cheek. None that put a smirk on your face the same way. It's pretty much a nonsense song, full or knives in the neck and kicking people in the teeth with steel toed boots one minute, then x-rays eyes and cold wives the next. But it's a fun song, and probably one of the most "freewheeling" Radiohead have ever done.


8. Pulp Fiction- Jon Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson eating breakfast in their "dorky" attire. Place gets robbed. "Bad Mutha Fucker". And Jackson's speech, which I consider the best speech ever to end a movie. It sums up the entire film really. And that film changed the face of movies ever since.


7. Mulholland Dr.- Old people crawling under your door is creepy. I wasn't a huge fan of this ending at first, but it's grown on me. It's a fucking weird ending, probably the weirdest, like, ever. It's hard to explain it, so I'll just throw some words out there. Naomi Watts. Gun. Hallway. Chasing. All a dream? ... yeah, not a great explanation, but... you just gotta see it yourself. And don't judge it rashly, give it some time to settle in your brain.


6. Taxi Driver- Travis Bickle is a bad bad man. He goes nuts trying to save this chick, kills lots of people and becomes a hero. But the people who made him a hero don't know the whole story. They don't know that Bickle is a sick man. Martin Scorsese once said that he believes Bickle would one day go on a worse, even more violent killing spree one day, because he believes that's what the people want. Bickle thinks he's doing the right thing, and now that he's a hero, that belief will only grow stronger...


5. Dr. Strangelove- One of the funniest movies ever. It's virtually perfect, but then the ending is coming and you're thinking "Um, how are they gonna end this?" There really is no other way to end it- everyone on Earth dies except for the people in the War Room. Also, for no apparent reason at all, Dr. Strangelove is able to walk again. It doesn't make any sense, but it's funny.


4. Curb Your Enthusiasm- "The Bat Mitzvah". Anyone who's seen this knows I'm talking about the last 60 seconds or so. For 3 or 4 episodes, Larry had been trying to win back his wife. He goes to his best friend's daughter's bat mitzvah, and takes along his house guest, a black woman who's family had been staying with the Davids because a hurricane destroyed their home. Larry dances with her, and sparks fly. We then learn that Larry started dating her, and didn't get back together with his wife. We see him at his new son's soccer game, going to the movies (there The Blacks are unable to contain themselves and act like embarrassing stereotypes, with Larry joining in), and posing for Christmas cards together.


3. The Royal Tenenbaums- Royal realizes he's "the bad guy" and decides he has to fix what he's broken. He divorces his wife so she can marry the man of her dreams (who just so happens to be Danny Glover), but the wedding is ruined by a drugged up Eli Cash, who crashes his car into the house, killing Buckley, the dog. Royal buys his grandsons a new dog, which helps to mend his broken relationship with his oldest son. Then Royal dies and everyone goes to the funeral, where we see Royal's tombstone, detailing how he died saving his family from a sinking ship (he didn't).


2. Lost in Translation- Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson were so screwed over come Oscar time. But we're not gonna go down that road yet. So anywho, the ending. These two people have developed a very deep friendship over the last few days, but it has to end. Murray has to go home to his wife and kids. They say goodbye, very awkward. Neither wants to admit to the other how much they've meant to them. Bill's driving away, sees Scarlett walking down a busy street, pulls over and walks up to her. They kiss and he whispers something into her ear, but we can't hear what it is. They finally leave each other, and "Just Like Honey" starts playing. Then we get some nice shots of Tokyo, and it's over. Probably the most memorable ending this decade.


1. Rushmore- Max fucks up everyone's life, then realizes that he can't live in his fantasy world forever, and set's about fixing everything he ruined. It ends in his most celebrated play to date. He also gets Mr. Blume and Ms. Cross back together and gets his own girlfriend. But he still gets to dance with his dream girl. Good stuff, good stuff. And yes, I love me some Bill Murray.

Creep.

It's Bada folks, he is sorry that he hasn't been around lately. (That's a lie). So this friend, that's all i will call her for now. Bada has Xbox Live/Macbook, so this "friend" went out and got Xbox Live and is getting a Macbook now. So i'm thinking of going for the million dollar question? Want to meet? You're probably wondering about the heading of this blog. "Creep" yeah i am a Creep but the real meaning behind it is, that friend was playing Radiohead "Creep" to me. Bada doesn't even like Radiohead but Bada sure does love this song. Check out the lyrics Nigga. They probably best describe Bada in the flesh.

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in your eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

That's all from Bada tonight. He's off to watch some Pirates and a really hot Keira Knightley!

Updates: A New Kind of Class

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the new more classy http://www.maynardandlando.blogspot.com.


As you can see we have a new name and layout for the pleasure of your gluzzballs. When you look at our site you get an image of successful businessmen. As you have noticed, I am using captials and everything for one time only.


But with great success comes great tragedy. Our old buddy Bada may have cancer and will be leaving this site and this world shortly. Unless he learns to update sometimes.

So anyways I'm sure you want to know how I have been doing, the only thing i have to say is, I'm great. And I hope Bada gets whats coming to him.

-L

Happy Thanksgiving, My niggaz

I loooove me some Thanksgiving. What's my favorite thing about Thanksgiving, you ask? Australians don't get to celebrate it. They don't get nothin' cause they don't give nothin'. It's called Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking. Even though we stole an entire country from Indians. But hey, it's not like we didn't give anything back to them. Washington Redskins, anyone? Kansas City Chiefs?


-M

Cat Wars: Inferno (aka Part 4)

Cat wars is... heating up? Muhahaha.

Black cat: Better get out of here, pretty boy.
White cat: Best to get the fuck off my land, pretty boy.
Black cat: You're just white trash. Nothing more. Never for get that.
White cat: I'd rather be white trash than burnt trash (attacks)

(Fighting ensues)

Black cat: You won this time. But you look like a fag with that bell around your neck.
White cat: Just get on out of here and don't never come back!!
Black cat: I'll be back... you remember that...

First Official Oscar Predictions.

It's Oscar season, so I'm happy ^__________^

The Oscars are a tricky thing though. You mention you enjoy the Oscars, people think you're gay. And I completely understand why. Watch any show on them, it's all about fashion or singing and dancing or some stupid boring shit like that. I don't follow the Oscars because of that. I liken the Oscars to football. Each season, everyone makes predictions, follows their favorite players and hope the ones they like make it all the way to the Superbowl. That's just what the Oscars are. Picking your favorites and hoping they make it. Of course, there's very few things more frustrating than the Oscars. Maybe once a decade the right movie or actor wins. So why do I do it every year? Because I am sad and lonely and most people hate me. So here's my predictions for this year.

BEST PICTURE-
No Country for Old Men*
Atonement
There Will Be Blood
Sweeney Todd
Charlie Wilson's War

For the past, like, two years I've been saying that whenever There Will Be Blood comes out, it'll be an Oscar winner. I still think it'll win some awards, but not Best Picture. It's too dark and disturbing and mean for the Oscars. Some people may come back and say "Yeah, but so was The Departed." No, it wasn't. The Departed was at it's heart an entertaining popcorn flick. There Will Be Blood isn't. Atonement I think is just too British. Sweeney Todd is too song and dance-y. They already awarded one of those this decade. Charlie Wilson's War is full of Oscars winners, so maybe the Academy will be bored with them. I dunno one way or another which way this movie will go. So that leaves No Country for Old Men, which is the best reviewed movie of the year, plus it has an already classic performance from Javier Bardem, and the Coens are overdue. I'll say it's the frontrunner.

DIRECTOR-
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen- No Country for Old Men*
Joe Wright- Atonement
P.T. Anderson- There Will Be Blood
Tim Burton- Sweeney Todd
Mike Nichols- Charlie Wilson's War

Again, I think the fact that everyone loves NCFOM and the fact that the Coens are pretty much American heroes at this point will put them over the top. They'll win it.

ACTOR-
Daniel Day-Lewis- There Will Be Blood*
Johnny Depp- Sweeney Todd
Tom Hanks- Charlie Wilson's War
Denzel Washington- American Gangster
Tommy Lee Jones- In the Valley of Elah

I'm confident on three of those. The last two I'm not so sure. I'm gonna say it's a two-man race anyways. Day-Lewis and Depp. Depp has become everyones favorite actor over the past few years and everyone wants to see him win. But Day-Lewis is the single most respected actor since Brando. Plus he was robbed for Gangs of New York and people haven't forgotten that. Day-Lewis wins.

ACTRESS-
Ellen Page- Juno*
Marion Cotillard- La Vie en Rose
Angelina Jolie- A Mighty Heart
Amy Adams- Enchanted
Laura Linney- The Savages

I'm not confident in this one at all. I'm just guessing what everyone else is guessing. I'll say Ellen Page, but don't hold me to that.

SUPPORTING ACTOR-
Javier Bardem- No Country for Old Men*
Hal Holbrook- Into the Wild
Philip Seymour Hoffman- Charlie Wilson's War
Casey Affleck- The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Tom Wilkinson- Micheal Clayton

I'm pretty sure this is how it'll look, but who knows? If Javier Bardem doesn't win though, it'll be remembered as one of the biggest snubs ever.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS-
Cate Blanchett- I'm Not There*
Amy Ryan- Gone Baby Gone
Saoirse Ronan- Atonement
Ruby Dee- American Gangster
Tilda Swinton- Michael Clayton

Boring race. Blanchett will win easily. If not, I will go to jail.

So there you go. I might get into more detail as the Oscars get closer. Go forth and conquer.

-M

interesting facts/amazing revelations!

man. every day it's the same. "oi oi why ain't you doin nuffin for our site oi oi?" so sick of this shit and this site. this shite. so here's some stuff i KNOW you didn't know.

every face you see in a dream is a face you've seen in real life, even if you don't recognize it.

earthworms have 5 hearts.

every day is 55 billionths of a second longer than the day before it.

Pope Pius II wrote an erotic book "Historia de duobos amantibus" in 1444.

as of 2006, 200 million blogs were left without updates. this one will be too soon.

Gandhi didn't allow his wife to take penicillin to save her life from pneumonia but took quinine to save himself from malaria.

forty-one percent of english women have punched or kicked their partners, according to a study. that's why i always say them english chicks is slags. get it? that's english.

the average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.

the roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

the sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

the world’s deadliest recorded earthquake occurred in 1557 in central China, more than 830,000 people were killed.

a snail can sleep for three years.

there. new blog done.

-L

Top Ten: Songs of the 90's

Hello folks. Maynard here, with another Top Ten list. This time, I'm doing the Best Songs of the 90's. And by Best, I mean My Favorites. After this I'll eventually do best of the 80's, 70's, 60's and 00's. (And apologies to Bada, who I already know will disagree with every song on this list)

10. Sabotage by The Beastie Boys
9. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (I know it's almost a cliche to put it on here, but it is a very good song)
8. Jane Says by Jane's Addiction
7. Karma Police by Radiohead
6. Sunken Treasure by Wilco
5. Unravel by Bjork (I couldn't find the Bjork version, so I got the Radiohead cover instead. It's a great cover, by Bjork's is better. Find it and listen to it.)
4. All Apologies by Nirvana
3. Paranoid Android by Radiohead
2. No Surprises by Radiohead
1. Sometimes by My Bloody Valentine

So there it is. The best songs of the 90's. Here's a ProjectPlaylist playlist I made for it. For some reason it's not working right, so you have to press the Launch StandAlone Player thingy and it should work.

Bada BOOM!

That's right friends, foes and most importantly girls. ;) Finally Bada has come to Blogspot. I would like to tell you that i have infact met a hot chick. When i say met, i mean online sadly. The thing is though i seem to attract these certain type of ladies. A) They are FAKE!, B) They have like 3895783275832 guys after them and C) Yeah i've got nothing for C. Anyways i have seen her on cam quite alot and she also talks dirty to me. Ok i'm lying about the dirty part. She talks to me on mic and i talk to her on mic. We also play Halo 3 together but i get distracted too easily and die because bascially i just want to have Halo sex with her!! lol. I also have her phone number but i haven't called her yet for phone sex. ;) So did i tell you that i have fish? Yeah well i had like 20 fish and now i have like 6. I'll tell you why exactly. My dad is an idiot. He got fighter fish which he probably never knew at the time. They damn attacked my fish and kept biting there tails and now they are dead!! Does it look like Bada has just got money he can throw around all the time for fish? They don't even do any damn tricks. Those Bastards.

Bada.

welcome Bada

ok...so we picked up a new guy for this hell hole


his name is bada and he is that ASSHOLE who i told you all he died remember that? anyways he is here now and he better do a good job!


-L

I Officially Hate the Writers and Their Stupid Strike.

Damon Lindelof is a big time player for Lost, aka The Best Series on T.V. As you may or may not know, there's this little writers strike thing going on, and it's fucking everything up for my favorite t.v. shows. No Conan O'Brien, no Daily Show, no nothin'. I had hoped it would end in time for Lost to come back full force, but it looks like it's not happening.

Here's and interview he did with some chick at some website.

It looks like Lost will air eight episodes and then go dark. Does it sadden you that you're not able to deliver those 16 in a row that were promised to the fans?
Yes, it does. I feel like the worst thing we could have done was to plan for a strike and plan accordingly. Everybody had to be optimistic, because then it would have felt like why does episode eight feel like such a conclusion? We learned last year that the show moves at a certain pace, and you can't build up critical momentum in the first six episodes. In fact, when you are doing 24 straight episodes of a show, the first six episodes are a lot of tap dancing and some writers are able to tap-dance very effectively. Cable writers don't have to tap-dance at all, which is why all their shows are so great.

Interesting.
Yeah, and I think that's something Heroes is getting unnecessary guff for right now, too. They're getting a lot of heat because the story can't really start until episode seven or eight. And I remember all this bad-mouthing going on about our show last year, and I talked to Tim [Kring]. I said, "This all feels so familiar to me—don't worry, it only takes one good episode to round the corner and then everybody is back on board again." But an eight-episode season is an incomplete season, and I am not going to try to spin it any other way.

At the end of the eighth episode, is there any sense of conclusion whatsoever?
It's as much of a conclusion as, say, Ana-Lucia and Libby getting shot.

Wow. Really?
Yes. And you'd be, like, oh my god, I can't believe I have to wait another year and two months for episode nine of this season.

So, it's a cliffhanger?
Yes. And that's the thing, we really planned out the three seasons of 16, 16 and 16...so the idea of having to come back and maybe do a 24-episode season, and that would be season five is just...I can't look the fans in the eye and tell them that we're executing the original plan anymore.

Will the storyline have to be tweaked?
The story will remain the same, but the way [it's] constructed is a lot like saying to J.K. Rowling, "Can you do it in eight books?" And she goes, "I don't want to write an eighth book." And they say, "How about you just take the seventh book and release two 400-page books?"

So basically, we have to wait almost a year for new episodes, and when it comes back, it'll only be 8 episodes? And then we'll have to wait, like, 14 months to see the rest? Lame. Really fucking lame.

Dick Masterson- Manly.

I kind of sort of know this dude. Ok, I don't know him, but I've spoken to him on his website, MenAreBetterThanWomen.com

His name is Dick Masterson, and he's my hero.

MABTW is probably the funniest site on the net. It's just non-stop manliness and women- taking-down-a-peg-edness. It's called Men Are Better Than Women, but something tells me he focuses mostly on the extreme man-haters out there. Basically since the 70's, men have had to put up with a lot of name calling from feminists and whatnot, so Dick just gives them a taste of their own medicine. I don't agree with everything he says, but he always makes me laugh, so he's good in my book.

Sadly, I hadn't visited his website in awhile, so I was unaware that he would be going on the Dr. Phil program recently. Here's a clip



That's why Dick Masterson is awesome. That smart mouthed chick almost cried.

55,000 Man Points goes Dick's way.

For the Ladiessss.

I'm not gonna lie to you- I've been with a lot of women. I'm a good sex person. I know all the different tricks and everything. And my streak of slewing the ladies will continue, for I have new shoes. Chicks love shoes, and chicks love men with shoes.

They're gray. Size 11. Pretty nice. My sister bought them for me, cause she thinks she's a big shot and likes to throw her money around, even though she wouldn't "shoot two fifties" Lando's way. She wants me to move in with her so I can watch her kids while she's at work or something. She doesn't have kids though. She has dogs.

Anywho, I got new shoes. I was trying to show them off to one of those lesbians I was telling you about, but that one won't come out of her house anymore. Might have something to do with me. I really think I could "convert" her if she gave me a chance.

I didn't have shoes for awhile. I borrowed Lando's shoes for awhile and gave them back to him yesterday, and he was all mad. "They's in worse shape than they was before", he says to me. Whatever, man. You got them back, didn't you?

Ok, I did have a pair of boots, but they belonged to a dead man before I had them. I was afraid his soul would go into my body if I wore them :(

I got new shoes.

Colts pretty much won.

Ok, the Colts didn't win. But I honestly believe that if the Colts and Pats meet again in the playoffs (and it looks like they very well might) the Colts should be the favorites to win. Even after the loss yesterday, I still have not taken them off the top of my list as the favorite to win the SuperBowl.

The Colts won 3 and a half quarters out of 4 yesterday. They doubled Tom Brady's interceptions in one game. They sacked him twice. They caused the Pats to lose 147 yards on mistakes and errors. Peyton Manning and the offense was hurt and under-manned. No Marvin Harrison? No Tony Ugoh? Anthony Gonzalez had to be taken out because of an injured finger, so Manning didn't even have his top back ups to help him through. I'm not making excuses. The Pats won and they deserved to win, but they didn't beat the Colts. What if Randy Moss or Wes Welker hadn't been able to play and the Colts beat them by only 4? I for one would be worried that the Colts didn't have what it takes to beat them when they were healthy. Most Pats fans cannot wrap their minds around logic like this.

I'll just say the Colts gave this supposedly unbeatable team all they could handle until midway through the 4th quarter and they didn't even have some of their biggest weapons. I think when and if they meet again, Colts are gonna take it.

Top Ten: Funniest dudes.

(NOTE: I couldn't come up with any funny women...)

It takes a lot to be a classic funny dude. Three things, actually. Be a jerk, be an idiot, or just be really pathetic. Here's my list of the ten funniest dudes.

10. Charles Barkley. Category- Jerk.
Sir Charles, as he is known by some, is a total jerk. He used to be a great NBA player, but now he's fat and insults people and gambles all his money away. CB makes the list mostly because of his ceaseless taunting of NBA ref Dick Bevetta. Things came to a head at the NBA A All-Star game of 2007, where to two titans had a foot race to determine the better man. Barkley out ran the elderly Bevetta, even running backwards, mocking the old man. Then they kissed on the lips.

Quote "I know I'm a fat, old has-been, but there's no way an old man of 67 can outrun me. It's impossible!"



9. Ash from The Evil Dead Trilogy. Category- Jerk.
Fuck you. I know he was on my last list. And? I can do whatever I want, whenever I want (on my website. Unless it's illegal).

Ah deserves to be on here. Why? Cause he's damn funny, that's why. It's odd when you watch Evil Dead now, because Ash is a completely different character in that movie. His normal. Mild mannered. Scared. By the mid-part of Evil Dead 2, he was undergoing a transformation. He wasn't as scared anymore. With his new found braveness, however, came new found arrogance and cockiness. And by the time Army of Darkness came around, he was a completely new person, chock full of one-liners and awesomeness. Plus, he could never remember the words.

Quote- "First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow."



8. Max Fischer from Rushmore. Category- Jerk.
I know Max won the last Top ten thingy too, but he's just too awesome not to be on any of my lists. Plus he's funny as hell.

Max is the kind of guy who knows right from wrong, yet he choices to do wrong anyways, so long as he believes it will benefit his selfish wants in the long run (which they don't). He doesn't think twice about destroying a mans life in the name of love. From destroying a mans life, he moves to attempted murder (cutting Mr. Blume's brakes, trying to have a tree fall on him, filling his room with bees, ect.) It's hilarious to watch as Max falls from grace, yet he stills believes wholeheartedly that things will work out if you could just get Ms. Cross to fall in love with him. Sweet + Sad= Funny.

Quote- "Don't fuck with my play!"



7. Jason from Home Movies. Category- Idiot.
Home Movies might just be the most under-appreciated thing ever. I don't know why, because anyone who actually sat down and watched the thing became instant fans. One of the reasons everyone who watched it loved it was because everyone who watched it loved Jason, the sidekick to and best friend of star Brendan Small. Jason is 7 and he's stupid. He is always dirty, he's got a weight problem (he loves candy) and, as Brendan has noted, "It's fun to hurt him." ("It's easy to hurt him.", adds other friend Melissa.)

Despite his setbacks, Jason is a pretty sweet-hearted young guy and takes things pretty easy. Most of his comedy comes from the fact that's he's 7 and doesn't know anything. But, strangely, he's a very good actor. That's what they do. The kids make stupid home movies. That's the whole show. It wasn't exactly genius comedy, but it always made me laugh.

Quote- "Let him drag you through the mud LIKE HE DRAGGED ME!!"



6. Homer Simpson from The Simpsons. Category- Idiot.
You can't talk about funny dudes without Homer Simpson. He's a legend. Plus he's the stupidest character ever, anywhere. The Simpsons have gone wayyyyy downhill for the last 10 years or so, but seasons 2-8 are classics. Honestly, I think 2-8 are the greatest pieces of entertainment the world has ever seen (take that, Shakespeare).

The reason it was so great was obviously because of the writing, and the writers always saved the best stuff for Homer. Like when he became a clown. Or when he got really fat. Or how he destroyed his brothers business. Or even really really simple stuff became funny from Homer (like the drinking bird) Yeah, Homer deserves his place on this list. Funny stuff.

Quote- "[to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...
[thinks] I forget. But the point is... [thinks] I forget that, too. [to Marge] Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car."


5. Cartman from South Park. Category- Jerk.
Cartman might be the biggest jerk ever. And he's just about the only character around that can rival Homer Simpson for pure popularity. But he deserves to be here, just slightly above Homer (I had to dock him because of the severe drop in quality The Simpsons has suffered)

South Park isn't quite what it used to be either. They rely on Cartman a bit too much to bring the funny nowadays, when back in "the day" all the characters were funny on their own. But if you were going to rely on one characters, I don't see why it shouldn't be Cartman. He's consistently funny (even when the show sucked for a few years). He mostly gets his laughs from screwing people over, and that's always funny to watch. Plus, that Scott Tennerman Must Die epsiode has the best ending to a cartoon ever.

Quote- "If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "Hey. Why don't you stop... dressing me up like a mailman... a-and making me dance for you... while you go and... smoke crack in your bedroom... and have sex with... some guy... I don't even know. On my dad's bed."



4. Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Category- Jerk.
If there's any character out there that can rival Cartman for just being a sheer jerk, it's Master Shake. Master Shake is a milkshake, he's vain, angry, lazy, cruel, and a loud mouth. He hates everyone, mostly his roommate Meatwad, who he has tried to kill on several occasions. Usually he just has to settle for selling him for two dollars or trapping him in a dryer or freezer.

Shake dreams of becoming a movie star, although he has no idea how to land a part. Also, he's probably too lazy to work on a movie, preferring to spend his days watching t.v. or in his neighbor Carl's pool. And that's funny, my friends. That's funny.

Quote- "I will pee all over my pants... and then who ends up looking bad."



3. David Brent from The Office. Category- Pathetic.
Has there ever been a more pitiful character than David Brent? He thinks he's hilarious, but he's not. He thinks he beloved, but he's not. He thinks he inspired Scottish band Texas to become the band they are today, but he didn't. He's also quite rude and mean, without ever realizing it. He lives in a fantasy world. As The Office went on (much too quickly- only 12 episodes and a Christmas special), David's world slowly started to crumble. By the time it was over, he had lost everything.He realized people didn't like him quite as much as he thought (or hoped), he lost his job, he tried to make a music career, which went nowhere. And let me tell you something, when someone this pathetic comes along, you must cherish it. Not a single episode went by where he didn't get a big laugh from me.

Quote- "I haven't got a sign on the door that says white people only. I don't care if you're black, brown or yellow - you know, Orientals make very good workers."



2. Coach McGuirk from Home Movies. Category- Jerk/Pathetic/Idiot.
That's right. Coach McGuirk was a triple threat. He was an unbelievably awesome mix of all three of the main comedy categories. Coach McGurirk was Brendan's soccer coach (even though he hated kids and soccer, a game which he has never played. He doesn't even know the rules) and something of a role model. Except he was a terrible role model and often his advice would lead to more trouble, or at least something illegal or amoral. But he didn't care. McGuirk didn't care about anything or anyone. He was quite stupid as well. He once tried to become a stand up comedian, and his gimmick would be that he was the soccer comedian, but he told no jokes about soccer (but he did wear the whistle and he brought his own goal)

Coach McGuirk was an extremely rare character in my mind. Almost every single time he was on screen, you know something funny would happen. Man, I miss that show

Quote- "Hey, my swords are worth more than all these foods combined."



1. George Costanza from Seinfeld. Category- Jerk/Pathetic.
Yeah, that's right. You had to know it all along. George Costanza is the funniest character ever. Where to begin? He's bald, angry, short, stupid. He spends his time trying to get one over on everybody. Nothing ever goes his way. His girlfriend died because of poisonous envelopes he bought. His parents are crazy. He once ate food out of a garbage can, and then got caught. A hooker once tied him to his bed, then robbed him. Jon Voight once bit him. And then when he thinks he's won, he just makes a fool of himself. Like the time he told the guy that had been mocking him that he slept with his wife, only to find out his wife was in a coma. Or when his fiancee died, he thought that meant he would finally be able to go out with Marisa Tomei. It didn't. This guy is a classic. A titan above all others. I can't see anyone beating him any time soon.

Quote "He was beboppin' and skattin' all over me!"

There you have it. Now go to bed.

(Honorable mentions- Bender from Futurama, Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dick Masterson from MenAreBetterThanWomen.com, GOB Bluth from Arrested Development, Buck Turginson from Dr. Strangelove, Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force)

Gosh...damnit

great


-L

Cat Wars: The Battle for Catlantis

Things are heating up between the Autocats and the Decepticats. This is an important battle, could possibly be the beginning of the end...but for whom?