Flashbacks vol. 3

Oi there mates. Maynard here. We haven't done a flashback since April. Don't know why we stopped, but I'll do another. I was going to write about my job, but fuck it. It's boring. They have us in these classes. Today we took our "Big Test", and guess what? I scored a perfect 100%. The lady teaching us was all like, "Whoa, cool."

No she wasn't. But she did tell the class that it's very rare to get a 100%. I don't see why. I just fucking cheated. Right in front of everyone. My book was right there and I didn't know the answer to a few things so I opened that fucker up and copied it straight from there. This other guy did that too he said, but somehow he still got the answers wrong.

Anywho, so the flashback. This one is from a few years ago when I was in school. So I was taking this test. English, if memory serves. So I'm sitting there, doing my business, etc. etc., hand in my paper and wait for the results. The teacher tells me I got 100%. I did another test that day and got 100% on that one too. She was impressed and asked me for a date.

No she didn't, but she was impressed I did so well.

Next day, I go in and all the teachers were really impressed that I did so well with my English and writing and stuff. They started calling me Mr. 100. And sadly, that is the coolest nickname I've ever been given.

So I was all like, "Fuck yeah." I was so awesome. I was the illest sucker in that classroom.

Then I did a math test and scored 30% on it :( Mr. 100 was dead.

Until now.

So tomorrow I'm going in to work with a t-shirt that says Mr 100 on it. It won't be like something I bought at the store or anything. I have to use a marker to draw the words, but still... everyone will know who I am.

-M

P.S.- Oh, some chick called me a candyass for scoring 100% today. That's America for you- show the lightest bit of intelligence (even if you cheated to do it), and you're looked down upon.

P.P.S.- And don't ask me how I scored 100% on the English and writing cause I don't know. I didn't cheat, but it was a total fluke. Anyone who actually reads this blog ought to know that.

Flashback Vol. 2

Maynard started doing flashbacks so i thought i would make one as well about the old days back in first grade

let me start off by saying this o_O my life was great. i had everything. all kinds of friends who were willing to do anything i asked at any time. but this story will let you know of the truth about Lando's past and why he is the way he is.

i was just like any other kid. i loved playing and i hated school. i hated it but somehow i kept doing great. let me explain this shit hardcore. when i was in first grade, i would always bring home all kinds of awards. ribbons, fucking little bulldog things they'd give you if you did stuff, special erasers and pencils. this was going on ALL school year and everyone was so proud of me. the only thing was, i didn't do any school work. i would just hide it in my desk or in my back pack and forget about it. it was a great scam. i was getting the best grades of my life. sadly, i learned nothing. that's why me no smart no more :(

i cannot be held completely responsible. the teacher was an idiot and didn't even notice that i had done absolutely no school work. so i thought to myself "sure. why not?" and i got away with it for an entire year pretty much, until the last day of school. me and my teacher were cleaning out my desk and she noticed a years worth of school work not turned in or even completed. but everytime we had an assignment and i didn't feel like doing it or got bored with it i'd just walk up to her and ask her if i could do it later and she'd always say yes, so it's her fault mostly.

"what is THIS?!" she asked. and then she made me do SOME of it. like, 2 pages of it. but it was worth it. kind of. i mean... part of me wishes i had learned something that year... i can't do math too well... but who cares? cause now i run one of the hottest blogs on the internets and get paid the big money. factory work, mostly.

shit. i should have told the story about how i led a strike in pre-school. next time. next time...

-Lando

Flashback Vol. 1

Hey. You know Lost? Pretty much my favorite show. So we decided to copy them for a new thing we got going here. You know how in each episode they have a flashback* to let you know how each character became the way they are? We're gonna do that. We're going to start telling stories from our pasts to let you Maynard and Lando-holics get to know why we are the way we are.

I'll start off with one of my all time favorite memories. This one comes from almost 20 years ago when I was in kindergarden. It was actually the last day of school, if memory serves. You know how on the last day of school they usually just send you outside and let you play games and run obstacle courses and whatnot? Yeah, that's what we were doing. I'm not going to lie to you guys- I was doing great. Running around, chasing the dream and getting checked out by all the babes to boot.

So the teachers decide it's time for the three legged race. I get paired up with some moron who I can't even remember. They tie our legs together and all that. Now, if I had been able to run the race alone, there's no doubt in my mind I'd have destroyed the CHUMPetition. But since I was paired up with this complete loser I was less than hopeful. I knew in my heart of hearts this guy was not a winner. He couldn't win. If I was going to get that blue ribbon, I'd have to take matters into my own hands. Put the burden on my own back and carry us to Glory.

Over the past few months I think I've portrayed myself pretty accurately on this blog (except for the fact that I don't even use my real name), so I think, if you've read this for awhile, you should know me well enough to know what comes next. The whistle blew and off I went.

Right off the bat, the idiot I was paired up with fell down. No surprise there. But it still didn't stop me from screaming at him. "GET UP!! GET UP!!" I yelled, even though I gave him absolutely no chance to get up, seeing as how I was dragging him across the field. I frantically looked around and saw many of the other children had fallen to the ground as well. "Good", I thought, "maybe we're not out of this thing yet. I've got to THINK!!"

But the only thing I could think of was to continue screaming at the kid, which I did with gusto. He was crab-crawling on the ground saying "I CAN'T!! STOP!! LET ME GET UP!!" What an idiot this kid was. So I just gritted my teeth and pushed ahead with everything I had.

I could see I had some competition from two other teams. We were neck and neck and they both had their partner actually helping them. It was champion time. Glory time.

Dragging that sorry bastard behind me, I fought my way to victory. WE HAD WON!! Or should I say, I had won, even though my partner did all he could to lose. My older sister came running up from nowhere and celebrated with me as I got my blue ribbon. Although I noticed the teachers made a terrible mistake by giving my partner a blue ribbon as well, instead of giving me two blue ribbons. I did the work of two people and still won, so I think it would only be fair for me to get both blue ribbons. Like I said, I can't remember that kid's name or even what he looks like, but if I ever see him again I might just lose my shit and hurt somebody.

Okay, so there you have it. My first flashback. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and I hope this helps to shed a little light on what makes me tick.

-Maynard


*Yes, I realize they also use flashforwards now too.