I read this earlier on Cracked, thought I'd share. Here ya go.
In Twilight, a boring-ass twitchy girl named Bella falls in love with a shiny vampire named Edward. And for some reason not explained by the movie, he loves her back. So just be your clumsy, mouth-breathing selves ladies. Someday, if you're skinny enough, someone exotic will love you for just being "you."
And How Does This Hate Women?
Take the vampirism from this movie and all you're left with is Ike and Tina right before Tina refuses to eat the cake. Edward stomps, broods, sneers and snidely tells his love interest to fuck off, but that's just the forbidden fruit angle Bella needs to stand around like a dumbass waiting for her stalker/boyfriend to confess his love/violent lust for her tasty blood. He'll confess a few MURDERS while he's at it. Bella sees his murderous lust and raises him a dead-eyed vacant stare and the flippant assurance that he'd never hurt her. This entire movie is one black-eyed-teen away from being a PSA from 1989.
EDWARD CULLEN
I've killed people before.
ISABELLA SWAN
It does not matter.
EDWARD CULLEN
I wanted to kill you at first. I've never wanted a human's blood so much, before.
ISABELLA SWAN
I trust you.
Any girl with the self-esteem of a shoe would call it a day right there. And the next time a Cracked intern with a violent boyfriend hobbles into the office on a broken leg with a cockamamie story about falling down the stairs, then out the window, we're going to believe her. Thanks, Twilight.
-L
Showing posts with label Books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Books. Show all posts
Friday, November 20, 2009
Friday, May 9, 2008
Girls don't know shit about shit
Anyone ever heard of some book called Twilight? Me either. Cause I don't read shit. But apparently girls do. It's sold like 4 million copies. Every single one of them was sold to a girl. I bet.
It's apparently about a girl that falls in love with a vampire. Why is it that girls are always falling in love with vampires? Because girls don't know shit about shit. I don't give a fuck how hot a girl is, if she's a vampire she's gonna get kicked 2 DA CURB!! I don't need one of those fucking things biting at my dayum NECK!!
Anywho, here's the trailer for the new Twilight movie. Apparently chicks all over have been, like, going nuts over this thing. They've been making little videos about it on youtube and whatnot. I don't see what's so great about it. It looks like a made for t.v. movie. Like... Sci Fi channel or something. It sucks is what I'm saying.
Wow.
Girls don't know shit about shit.
-M
It's apparently about a girl that falls in love with a vampire. Why is it that girls are always falling in love with vampires? Because girls don't know shit about shit. I don't give a fuck how hot a girl is, if she's a vampire she's gonna get kicked 2 DA CURB!! I don't need one of those fucking things biting at my dayum NECK!!
Anywho, here's the trailer for the new Twilight movie. Apparently chicks all over have been, like, going nuts over this thing. They've been making little videos about it on youtube and whatnot. I don't see what's so great about it. It looks like a made for t.v. movie. Like... Sci Fi channel or something. It sucks is what I'm saying.
Wow.
Girls don't know shit about shit.
-M
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Perhaps I spoke too soon?
Remember yesterday when I said certain things should never be made into movies? Of course you do. One of the things I mentioned that should never be made into a film was Watchmen, Alan Moore's graphic novel. It's too big and unwieldy to be made into a decent movie. I honestly think, if someone simply HAS to film this, it should be made into a mini-series. Give it a good 8 hours for it's story to unfold. It would be worth it.
But, of course, it's being made into a feature length movie. Fine. I still don't like the idea. It just can't work.
That's what I thought yesterday. Today, stills featuring all the major characters (except Dr. Manhattan, who is a bit harder to put on screen) have finally hit the web, and I gotta say, they're not half bad.
COMEDIAN looks pretty awesome. Just how he should.
NITEOWL looks about right too. Maybe not schlubby enough, but I think he looks alright. He's a boring character anyways, so I won't be too upset if he sucks.
OZYMANDIAS looks alright, except for one thing- he's too young. This dude is supposed to be in his 40's. But I guess I can't be too picky. He looks good.
RORSCHACH is one I'm not digging. His mask looks like it's made of cotton. They better not fuck him up, he's the most badass of all graphic novel characters. But then again, I guess it is kind of hard to get him just right.
SILK SPECTRE looks pretty good. She was the most boring character anyways, so who cares?
So there you have it. Did I speak too soon? Probably not. It'll still more than likely suck, but these pics give me a little more hope. I wonder what Dr. Manhattan will look like? Can't wait to see pics of him.
That's all for now, suckers.
-Maynard
But, of course, it's being made into a feature length movie. Fine. I still don't like the idea. It just can't work.
That's what I thought yesterday. Today, stills featuring all the major characters (except Dr. Manhattan, who is a bit harder to put on screen) have finally hit the web, and I gotta say, they're not half bad.
COMEDIAN looks pretty awesome. Just how he should.
NITEOWL looks about right too. Maybe not schlubby enough, but I think he looks alright. He's a boring character anyways, so I won't be too upset if he sucks.
OZYMANDIAS looks alright, except for one thing- he's too young. This dude is supposed to be in his 40's. But I guess I can't be too picky. He looks good.
RORSCHACH is one I'm not digging. His mask looks like it's made of cotton. They better not fuck him up, he's the most badass of all graphic novel characters. But then again, I guess it is kind of hard to get him just right.
SILK SPECTRE looks pretty good. She was the most boring character anyways, so who cares?
So there you have it. Did I speak too soon? Probably not. It'll still more than likely suck, but these pics give me a little more hope. I wonder what Dr. Manhattan will look like? Can't wait to see pics of him.
That's all for now, suckers.
-Maynard
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Dragon Ball Z movie delayed
Yeah... Dragon Ball Z rules. Forever. What of it? So as you might expect, I'm super pissed the movie has been delayed until April 2009. Just kidding. I'm quite pleased.
Look, this movie shouldn't be made. It's gonna suck. And sucky movies should not be made. There are certain pieces of storytelling that should not and cannot be made into films that will do the originals justice. Kafka's The Metamorphosis, Alan Moore's Watchmen (which is also being made into a film due out next year), and Dragon Ball Z. In each of their own formats, they're as good as can get. Try to put them on film and you'll fuck up everything that made them great. Anyone who has seen Street Fighter knows that.
So what am I getting at with this post? No idea. It's happening one way or the other. I guess... uh... just go out and buy season 4, now on DVD. And don't see this when it comes out. It'll suck.
I warned you.
-M
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Pre-order your copy now
Avalible April 8, 2008. Go to Amazon.com to pre-order yours today ^_____^
So how's it going with you? I'm alright. So remember how I told you my mom hit a deer? No? Well, she did. And she got a loaner car from her dealer (car dealer, not drug) and she's been driving it around for like a week. Today I was driving with her downtown when all of a sudden this cop pulls up behind her and flashes his lights. We pull over and he asks for lisense and insurance, ect. She tells him the car is a loaner car until she gets her's back from repair. The cop acts as if he doesn't believe her and says "Your dealership lent you a car without registration?" Yeah, turns out they gave us an illegal car pretty much. So that was pretty wonderful. He let her go with a warning and all that. Tomorrow is the time for revenge though. Muhahaha.
Also, me and Lando might, MIGHT be moving again. We'll find out tomorrow. Only thing is, it's a lot more expensive than the place we're in now. Plus we don't have a clue where to go to get our internet turned on, or even if we can afford to have it turned on right away. Either way, this house is nice and if we get in we will probably starve to death trying to keep up the payments. So if you don't have any updates from us for awhile, you'll know that either A: We couldn't afford to get our internet on or B: We're dead.
That's it for now. Don't forget to order the damn book.
Love,
-M
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Top Ten Baddest Motherfuckers of All Time
So I'm starting a new thingy here. My Top Ten lists. Since this site and it's creator (face it Lando, this is my baby) are so bad ass, I figured the first post in this new venture should also be about bad ass characters. I guess some of these people are real... I dunno. You read. You read now.
10. Charlie from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Charlie actually may be the nicest and most kind hearted of all the members of The Gang. When that chicks grandfather died, he was the only one who actually felt sorry for her loss. And his undying love for The Waitress is sweet (not that I'm gay or nothin'.) So whys he on the list? Cause Charlie is also the most awesome of all the characters from IASIP. Like the time he lied about having cancer just to get his friends to pay The Waitress to sleep with him? What's more awesome than that? Or the time he showed up kind of drunk to an AA meeting? Or the time he robbed his own bar, only to be shot in the head? Charlie is awesome. Plus he always sings funny songs, and funny songs get you a long way in my book. No they don't, actually.
Baddest moment- Lying about having cancer.
Best quote- "Ohh, excuse me for being the most terrible man on the planet!"
9. John Locke from Lost. Locke used to be in a wheelchair. This was unbearable for a man like Locke. Why? Because Locke loves to blow shit up. Luckily for him, his plane crashed and it somehow healed him, allowing him to blow shit up for the past 3 seasons. He blew up The Hatch (after he blew up the Hatch door to get inside the Hatch), he blew up that submarine, he killed that Naomi chick,... he's awesome. Plus he's far and away the best character on the best show on t.v. That's why he's bad ass, bitches.
Baddest moment- Killing Naomi...but for a good reason, of course. Locke's not evil.
Best quote- "I'm on my own journey, now."
8. Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange. Alex is a teddy boy. Or whatever. He's a young man from a futuristic England (the future sucks in England I guess. Instead of CD's and mp3 players, they just have tiny tapes). But anywho, Alex finds ways to have fun nonetheless. Like, raping women and beating up rival gang members. And listening to Beethoven.. Alex goes through a huge transformation throughout ACO. He starts out evil and cruel, then after a crazy experiment, he can no longer have any of these violent urges. So he's good, but not because he wanted to be, but because he has no choice. Then the movie ends and he's back to crazy again. Alex is bad ass because... well... I like the way he talks. Right right.
Baddest moment- Alex and his gang of droogs beat up another rival gang after they attempt to rape a woman. Alex doesn't care about what they were trying to do, he just hates those guys and wants to fight them.
Best quote- "I was cured alright."
7. Holden Caulfield from The Catcher in the Rye. Holden is a sad, depressed, retarded young man in the late 1940's, who goes on a magical adventure. Actually, he wasn't retarded, although he was dumb, and his adventure wasn't magical. Although he did get a hooker, and then her pimp beat him up (he didn't do anything with the hooker, he was too scared). Holden has had a huge impact on American society since the 1950's all the way until now. Everyone can relate to him. Sadsack, no friends, lives in his own world. You're just like that and you know it. Holden is bad ass because he's just like you and me, and we're bad ass. Or at least I am.
Baddest moment- Crying on the floor after the pimp hits him. Not really "bad ass", but it was funny.
Best quote- "Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody."
6. Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver. Travis is a lot like Holden except, like, 10x further gone. He's a complete loner, a gun nut, and morally bankrupt. Kind of. He doesn't mind killing people, or being a racist, because deep down he "knows" he's doing the right thing. Which involves killing people, and being a racist. What makes him bad ass? I dunno. I like the way he dresses. And goes crazy.
Baddest moment- Saving Iris, which involves killing people and wearing a mohawk.
Best quote- "He called you a little piece of chicken!" (He, Sport, never called her that)
5. Vegeta from DragonBallZ. Vegeta is a "Bad Man". You can tell because in one episode he wore a pink shirt that he wrote "Bad Man" on the back of. Plus he destroyed planets and millions of lives and stuff. But in the end he became a good guy. Kind of. He started a family because he believed this was the secret to Goku's power. Vegeta basically wanted nothing more than to kick ass and take names. And that's why he's so bad ass. Except that he could never beat Goku, but whatever. Goku ain't bad.
Baddest moment- Probably when he destroyed that entire planet. But to be fair, the planet was full of monster looking people.
Best quote- "Is it for a man, or a woman?!"
4. Lil' Ze from City of God. Lil' Ze might be the most hilarious bad guy ever. Or he is to me at least. On the one hand, he's a psycho. He'll kill women, children, old people, it doesn't matter. On the other hand, he's totally insecure and petty and childish, not to mention bit of a cry baby. He doesn't know how to talk to women and seems to be scared of them. When his rival is arrested and his picture gets put in the paper, Lil' Ze becomes jealous that his picture or name never appears in the paper. The best scene in that whole movie is when Rocket, the star, by complete accident, gets Lil' Ze's picture in the paper. Rocket thinks he's a dead man and that Lil' Ze will be out to kill him now, but Lil' Ze is happy because having his picture in the paper means people "have finally understood who's the boss around here." Gosh, I love that movie so much. Lil' Ze is based on a real guy. I don't know how accurately they portray him in the film, but I want to hang out with this dude. Too bad he's dead...
Baddest moment- Making that little kid (Steak n' Fries) choose which one of his friends he kills
Best Quote- "You wanna dance with me?"
3. Frank Booth from Blue Velvet. Frank is one of the sickest fucks in cinematic history, and that's why he's awesome. Who else would have the courage to kidnap some chick and her family, cut the husbands ear off and basically get into hilarious hijinks like that through a whole movie? Only two people- Frank Booth and me. But they won't let me in the pictures :(
Baddest moment- Beating up Jeffery, and kissing Jeffery, and wearing lipstick all at the same time. Or...you know... the first time we get to actually meet him.
Best quote- "I'll send ya a lover letter...straight from my heart, fucker. You know what a love letter is? It's a fucking bullet from a fucking gun, fucker."
2. Ash from the Evil Dead Trilogy. Ash is one of the biggest smart asses ever. He's always ready to crack a terrible joke at just the wrong time, and that's why he's a bad "mofo". Plus he fights evil and gets chicks like it ain't no thang. And he had a chainsaw attached to one arm. So.. awesome. Plus he works at a store calles S-Mart. And he could never remember the words ^_____^
Baddest moment- Cutting off his own evil hand.
Best quote- "This is my BOOMstick."
1. Max Fischer from Rushmore. C'mon, who's cooler than Max Fischer? Nobody, that's who. Max is a huge prick. He ruins people's lives, double crosses everyone and basically spits in everyones face... all in the name of love. And that's why he's so awesome. And he's only 15. Also, he reminds of this guy I know named Patrick. Patrick wants to be some sort of government guy, and so does Max. But both like to fuck around a lot. Patrick, if you read this... get off my site. And I love you.
Baddest moment- Shooting that Scottish kid in the ear with a BB gun, then offering him a part in his new play.
Best quote- "I'm gonna stick a knife in his heart and send him back to Ireland in a body bag."
There you have it sucka's. The most bad ass bad asses ever. From me to you.
10. Charlie from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Charlie actually may be the nicest and most kind hearted of all the members of The Gang. When that chicks grandfather died, he was the only one who actually felt sorry for her loss. And his undying love for The Waitress is sweet (not that I'm gay or nothin'.) So whys he on the list? Cause Charlie is also the most awesome of all the characters from IASIP. Like the time he lied about having cancer just to get his friends to pay The Waitress to sleep with him? What's more awesome than that? Or the time he showed up kind of drunk to an AA meeting? Or the time he robbed his own bar, only to be shot in the head? Charlie is awesome. Plus he always sings funny songs, and funny songs get you a long way in my book. No they don't, actually.
Baddest moment- Lying about having cancer.
Best quote- "Ohh, excuse me for being the most terrible man on the planet!"
9. John Locke from Lost. Locke used to be in a wheelchair. This was unbearable for a man like Locke. Why? Because Locke loves to blow shit up. Luckily for him, his plane crashed and it somehow healed him, allowing him to blow shit up for the past 3 seasons. He blew up The Hatch (after he blew up the Hatch door to get inside the Hatch), he blew up that submarine, he killed that Naomi chick,... he's awesome. Plus he's far and away the best character on the best show on t.v. That's why he's bad ass, bitches.
Baddest moment- Killing Naomi...but for a good reason, of course. Locke's not evil.
Best quote- "I'm on my own journey, now."
8. Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange. Alex is a teddy boy. Or whatever. He's a young man from a futuristic England (the future sucks in England I guess. Instead of CD's and mp3 players, they just have tiny tapes). But anywho, Alex finds ways to have fun nonetheless. Like, raping women and beating up rival gang members. And listening to Beethoven.. Alex goes through a huge transformation throughout ACO. He starts out evil and cruel, then after a crazy experiment, he can no longer have any of these violent urges. So he's good, but not because he wanted to be, but because he has no choice. Then the movie ends and he's back to crazy again. Alex is bad ass because... well... I like the way he talks. Right right.
Baddest moment- Alex and his gang of droogs beat up another rival gang after they attempt to rape a woman. Alex doesn't care about what they were trying to do, he just hates those guys and wants to fight them.
Best quote- "I was cured alright."
7. Holden Caulfield from The Catcher in the Rye. Holden is a sad, depressed, retarded young man in the late 1940's, who goes on a magical adventure. Actually, he wasn't retarded, although he was dumb, and his adventure wasn't magical. Although he did get a hooker, and then her pimp beat him up (he didn't do anything with the hooker, he was too scared). Holden has had a huge impact on American society since the 1950's all the way until now. Everyone can relate to him. Sadsack, no friends, lives in his own world. You're just like that and you know it. Holden is bad ass because he's just like you and me, and we're bad ass. Or at least I am.
Baddest moment- Crying on the floor after the pimp hits him. Not really "bad ass", but it was funny.
Best quote- "Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody."
6. Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver. Travis is a lot like Holden except, like, 10x further gone. He's a complete loner, a gun nut, and morally bankrupt. Kind of. He doesn't mind killing people, or being a racist, because deep down he "knows" he's doing the right thing. Which involves killing people, and being a racist. What makes him bad ass? I dunno. I like the way he dresses. And goes crazy.
Baddest moment- Saving Iris, which involves killing people and wearing a mohawk.
Best quote- "He called you a little piece of chicken!" (He, Sport, never called her that)
5. Vegeta from DragonBallZ. Vegeta is a "Bad Man". You can tell because in one episode he wore a pink shirt that he wrote "Bad Man" on the back of. Plus he destroyed planets and millions of lives and stuff. But in the end he became a good guy. Kind of. He started a family because he believed this was the secret to Goku's power. Vegeta basically wanted nothing more than to kick ass and take names. And that's why he's so bad ass. Except that he could never beat Goku, but whatever. Goku ain't bad.
Baddest moment- Probably when he destroyed that entire planet. But to be fair, the planet was full of monster looking people.
Best quote- "Is it for a man, or a woman?!"
4. Lil' Ze from City of God. Lil' Ze might be the most hilarious bad guy ever. Or he is to me at least. On the one hand, he's a psycho. He'll kill women, children, old people, it doesn't matter. On the other hand, he's totally insecure and petty and childish, not to mention bit of a cry baby. He doesn't know how to talk to women and seems to be scared of them. When his rival is arrested and his picture gets put in the paper, Lil' Ze becomes jealous that his picture or name never appears in the paper. The best scene in that whole movie is when Rocket, the star, by complete accident, gets Lil' Ze's picture in the paper. Rocket thinks he's a dead man and that Lil' Ze will be out to kill him now, but Lil' Ze is happy because having his picture in the paper means people "have finally understood who's the boss around here." Gosh, I love that movie so much. Lil' Ze is based on a real guy. I don't know how accurately they portray him in the film, but I want to hang out with this dude. Too bad he's dead...
Baddest moment- Making that little kid (Steak n' Fries) choose which one of his friends he kills
Best Quote- "You wanna dance with me?"
3. Frank Booth from Blue Velvet. Frank is one of the sickest fucks in cinematic history, and that's why he's awesome. Who else would have the courage to kidnap some chick and her family, cut the husbands ear off and basically get into hilarious hijinks like that through a whole movie? Only two people- Frank Booth and me. But they won't let me in the pictures :(
Baddest moment- Beating up Jeffery, and kissing Jeffery, and wearing lipstick all at the same time. Or...you know... the first time we get to actually meet him.
Best quote- "I'll send ya a lover letter...straight from my heart, fucker. You know what a love letter is? It's a fucking bullet from a fucking gun, fucker."
2. Ash from the Evil Dead Trilogy. Ash is one of the biggest smart asses ever. He's always ready to crack a terrible joke at just the wrong time, and that's why he's a bad "mofo". Plus he fights evil and gets chicks like it ain't no thang. And he had a chainsaw attached to one arm. So.. awesome. Plus he works at a store calles S-Mart. And he could never remember the words ^_____^
Baddest moment- Cutting off his own evil hand.
Best quote- "This is my BOOMstick."
1. Max Fischer from Rushmore. C'mon, who's cooler than Max Fischer? Nobody, that's who. Max is a huge prick. He ruins people's lives, double crosses everyone and basically spits in everyones face... all in the name of love. And that's why he's so awesome. And he's only 15. Also, he reminds of this guy I know named Patrick. Patrick wants to be some sort of government guy, and so does Max. But both like to fuck around a lot. Patrick, if you read this... get off my site. And I love you.
Baddest moment- Shooting that Scottish kid in the ear with a BB gun, then offering him a part in his new play.
Best quote- "I'm gonna stick a knife in his heart and send him back to Ireland in a body bag."
There you have it sucka's. The most bad ass bad asses ever. From me to you.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Dumbledore was a homo, turns out.
Aw, GAY!! Remember those Harry Potter books? Yeah. So, remember Dumbledore? That really powerful guy with all that stuff he could do? Turns out he liked boys, according to J.K. Rowling.
Rowling held some sort of gay meeting tonight in some gay place, where she told the audience that Dumbledore was gay and fell in love with his friend Gellert Grindelwald. Which is retarded.
It's also disturbing. Makes you wonder why Dumbledore liked Harry so much, eh? It makes since now. Plus, now we know why he liked to dress so flamboyantly. I've always said they should re-write the books, but tell them from Ron's pathetic point of view, but now I think I'd like to see Dumbledore's point of view instead.
"Dumbledore stared at Harry longingly. Harry noticed. 'You starin' at me bum, mate?' asked Harry jokingly. He didn't know how right he was..."
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