I Love Black People

Howdy kittens. Maynard here, to update you on some goings ons.

I figured I'd tell you a little about work. Or rather, this incredibly weird dude at work. I won't use his real name because he's black and if he finds out he might shoot me. I don't know. We'll call him Black Tony.

Black Tony is about 50 years old, 300 lbs and a former drug dealer who spent 8 years in prison. For dealing drugs, you see. Anywho, so this dude is weird. Really weird. He always has these insane fucking stories that he tells us out of nowhere. We were in the break room awhile back, watching CNN talk about a plane crash I think, so he tells us a story about how about 10 years ago he was living in these apartments. He lived upstairs and below him lived two homosexuals. One day Black Tony heard a commotion downstairs. He left his apartment and saw the two homosexuals stabbing each other with kitchen knives. He sat and watched them try to kill each other for a few minutes. Then they tried to fight their way upstairs. So Black Tony grabbed a bar from the railing on the stairs, pull it clean off the railing with his bare hands and said, "You best stay the fuck down there, man!" Then some old lady came out of her apartment to see what was going on. Black Tony said "Ma'am, you best just go back on inside." Of course, because she was old, she just sat there watching the fight (even though Black Tony himself was doing the exact same thing.)

Next thing Black Tony knows, the two homosexuals had taken their fight outside and had managed to smash into his car, ruining his driver side door.

Then he was telling us how he was living in these apartments one time and he smelled smoke. He looked all over his place, but nothing was on fire. He follows the smell of the smoke out into the hallway. The entire hallway was covered in smoke. He noticed the smoke was coming out of another apartment. He broke into the place and saw that the fire had started because some drunk or drugged out dude had been trying to cook smoked sausages and for some reason had set his frying pan on his mattress. We all assumed Black Tony was the one who sold him the crack, but whatever, Funny story.

Black Tony is also quite learned when it comes to world events. For instance, he knows people all over the world (especially Africa) are starving. Black Tony has a solution. And I quote- "I always be watching them nature shows on t.v., and they always show them antelope running around. Well- shoot em'. Solve world hunger right there."

Perhaps my favorite Black Tony moment came the other day during lunch break. He was telling me how his bosses are racist against him and blame him for everything. He then told me, "It's just like Lando. Lando comes in here everyday and they tell him to do this or to clean that, but at the end of the day, Lando is still Lando. And they don't like that."

You know for a fact that if Lando is someone's beacon of hope then that person has serious problems. Drug related problems. I want to make a show out of this guys life. Seriously.

See you next time, young'ins.

-M