Happy Birfday!!

Happy birthday to Theresa. She's 27 today, or something. In honor of this milestone, here's what many people have called The Round of the Century. Gatti vs. Ward. Although she doesn't deserve shit with the way she acts like a wild FUCKING animal. Happy Birthday.

Gatti vs Ward (round 9)

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REVIEW- "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" by Maynard

Hmmm... It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Curious, curious. There was a time when I considered it one of the funniest t.v. shows ever. And it's still funnier than almost everything on t.v. it's just... different now. And not in a good way.

But let's start with the good stuff. A few weeks ago the first and second season were released on DVD and everyone was happy. The first season is a complete good. Not a bad episode on the list. It's my favorite season because it was when they held back the most. At the time it seemed way too bizarre to be true, and it was. But when the second season came along, things changed ever so slightly. Danny DeVito was added to the cast for one thing. A lot of people didn't like this. I was fine with it, because he was a funny character. Some of the funniest moments of season two were because of him. My main problem is that things got a little too "wacky". Now, there's nothing wrong with being wacky every now and then. And that's what the second season did. It was over the top, but not too often. Season two has my all time favorite episode "The Gang Gives Back", but it also had one or two that were just mediocre. It was a small decline, but it was one I could live with.

Now, after like a year of waiting, season three has arrived. And it's a pretty harsh disappointment. It's just too different for me. During the first two seasons, they used a handheld camera and it had a dark, grimy look to it. Now it's a steady-cam and it's all bright. I don't like that. They've recycled jokes they used every now and then in the first season so that now I can't even enjoy the jokes anymore. How many times do we have to be reminded that Charlie can't read or spell? How many times in an episode does the gang need to break down into bitter fighting? The character growth has stopped 100%. This is kind of tricky. I like the way the characters were in the first two seasons, and there was no growth there either. But these characters almost seem like parody's of themselves. It's painful, my friends.

I'm not saying these episodes completely suck. I can find at least one thing to laugh at in every episode so far. But it used to be much more than one laugh per episode. It's like when a musician suddenly becomes famous. He thinks to himself "ok, people liked my last album, so how am I going to follow it up? I got it!! I'll do the same thing, except bigger and louder!!" That's what seems to have become of this show. But we're only four episodes in. Things can turn around really quickly. And if they don't, at least we have the first two seasons.

Sweet Bastard!! Fall's a-Comin'!!

Wow, it seems like Summer just started, right? Well kiss that bastard goodbye, because it's all but gone!! While I'll miss the nice weather, there are several things I won't be missing, and plenty of things I'll be looking forward to. So strap yourself in as we look back and then look forward at breakneck speed!!

MOVIES-
I saw 2, and only 2, good movies this summer. Knocked Up and Superbad. Don't get me wrong, I'm as elitist as they come most of the time, but these two lowbrow movies, full of dick jokes and sex jokes and all those other kinds of jokes, were actually really good. So far I'd call Superbad the best movie of the year. But as anyone who knows anything will tell you, this year has sucked for movies. For the most part, the summer season was full of sequels which all but ruined their franchises. Spider-Man 2 is the best comic book movie ever made, but Spider-Man 3 wasn't even half of what part 2 was. Then that Pirates of the Caribbean 3 sucked, but everyone saw that one coming from a mile away. Basically it was a summer of disappointments for movie lovers everywhere, but what summer isn't?

MUSIC-
This summer was chock full of "hot jams" for young white people to enjoy everywhere. I can't name a single one, because I stopped listening to the radio long ago. I admit to being an elitist prick when it comes to movies, but I'm 10x worse when it comes to music. But there were a few decent albums over the summer. Like.... hey, did you know "Broken Social Scene Presents Kevin Drew, Spirit If..." comes out today? GO BUY IT!! Or download it, it doesn't make any difference to me.

PERSONAL-
This summer I got laid like a motherfucker. No. No, I'm lying. But I did move. And... I got a job, which I quit. What else, what else? My dad bought me some lottery tickets a few times. Didn't win anything. I guess that's all I did this summer.

Now on to what I'm looking forward to this Fall...

MOVIES-
There Will Be Blood. I read the script over the summer and it's awesome. I know I brag a lot about reading the script, but it's probably the coolest thing I've ever done. Dang, I should have mentioned that as something I did over the summer. Ah well, too late now. Anyways, I'll watch anything with Daniel Day-Lewis, even that pretty much awful The Ballad of Jack and Rose. I saw the trailer a few weeks ago and it looks like they stayed true to the script pretty much, but I'm worried Paul Dano might fuck up the character of Eli. In the script he could have been many things- he was crazy, but he seemed human. He was an egotist, but he could also be weak and scared. But judging by the trailer, it looks like Dano is going for pure bombast. Lots of screaming and flailing of the limbs. Not cool. But that's just the trailer, who knows how the movie will turn out? Anywho, I'm also excited to see I'm Not There. I love's me some Bob Dylan. The movie got good reviews for the most part and everyone is talking about how great Cate Blanchett is (Lando says- "BUT SHE'S A GIRL!!") Fuck that shit. If it's Dyaln, I'm there... I didn't mean for that to be like a pun. I'm not saying "I'm there" because the name of the movie is "I'm Not There"...

MUSIC-
Well, Radiohead let me down once again. I've been waiting patiently for 4 years now, and still no new album. What makes it worse is that they've actually finished the album, now they need to shop it around to a new label, then the label has to figure out how to market it (here's a hint- just say "Radiohead's new album" and everyone will come running), ect. so it looks like the earliest I'll be able to hear this bastard is early next year. But who wants to release an album in, like, January? I'll bet it doesn't see the light of day until next spring. Bastards. But hey, at least we have Spirit If..., right? What else is coming out this Fall? Bruce Springsteen has a new album. I'll make sure to skip that one. What's he done since The Rising that's worth shit anyways? Your mother, for one!! Oh wait- NO SHE ISN'T!! BOO YAH!!

PERSONAL-
I hope to keep living for at least the next few months. Also, maybe I should get a better job. And some better friends. And watch the Colts beat all who dare get in their way. Fuck it. If you've read all this you're a loser anyways.

-M

The pressure is KILLING ME!!!

So the pressure is really getting to me here at http://www.maynardandlando.blogspot.com/ with maynard always yelling at me "YOU HAVE TO HELP KEEP THIS SHITTY PAGE GOING!"

I dont even know why I should help I mean this page is going under no matter what we do! and its because of you people you call yourselves "maynard and landoholics" but you're just a bunch of backstabbers.


So here is a new episode of cat wars


enjoy ;)

Jim (the ongoing struggle)

Hello dear ones. Maynard here with more Tales from Beyond.

So I know this man. A man I will call "Jim", because that's his name. Jim is many things. A bad parent, a bad friend, a bad boss, ect. I first met him through my dad. They know each other, somehow. Jim used to be a cook or something, but he always complains about how much he hates cooking. But then he brags about how great he is at it. Plus he's always getting sick, and then bragging about how he has never died from an illness. Neither have I, jackass. And he's small and has grubby little hands. Jim has become something of a tutor to me. It turns out there's some things me aren't so smart at. And I'll give him some credit, he sures knows how to cheat and read out of books and learn how to do those things, and then teach them to me like he knew how to do it all along. He's almost a master at it. I think I am probably better at it though, because I would go in another room and do it, whereas he likes to do it right in front me. But whatever.

So yesterday Jim decided he was moving, and he decided I must be awesome at it, cause he heard about how I helped that chick move (I guess he either didn't hear or didn't care that I broke her table). So I wake up and head on over to his place, and, like that chick, he decided against packing. What's wrong with these people? So we barrow these lesbians truck...well, actually it's my dad's truck, but he gave it to me, but they barrowed it and haven't gotten a new car yet, so it's still my truck but I never get to use it. Anyways. So we start packing when his 10 year old kids show up and decide they're going to help. Except they don't help, they just get in the way and fight and scream all the time, and that in turn gets Jim screaming and yelling, which in turn causes his old mother to start screaming and all that stuff. I don't like screaming. It rattles my nerves and makes me jumpy. So I really wanted to get out of there, but he promised me money (which I later learned meant "five dollars"), so I worked with him, slowly, for 8 hours. And his dumb friend showed up and started telling all these bad jokes. Like these chicks came up and started talking about how nice Jim's new house is, and how their house is a "caddyshack", which caused Jim's friend to say "Does Chevy Chase and Bill Murray live there?" They didn't get the joke. I laughed, but in more of a "you're pathetic" way. Plus he was bald on top, but had an 80's ponytail. And his son was there, but they didn't look a thing like each other.

Anyways, I totally didn't go back to help him today like I said I would. I am thinking of, you know, pretending I died, and I can just avoid him for awhile. Because of how annoying he is. He is forcing me to do this!!

Screw it. You guys don't know shit anyways.

-M

Rest...in...PIECES!!!

Ok. So i told you all about my friend who would not join maynard and I. Well it turns out he really did kill himself or something because i have not seen him in days. So i thought i would tell you all a little about this man so that you may know him just a little better.



First off i wanted to show you what he looks like but i dont think the family would like that much. So i am going to draw it for you. Here it is




this is just how my friend looked.

He was a good man even if he did not like helping his friends out when they needed a bit of help to get http://www.maynardandlando.blogspot.com/ off the ground.


And he was always mean to little kids and hated everyone and could never get chicks because he was weird and always tried his very best to make you feel bad about yourself only because he hated himself so much that he had to make everyone else feel just as bad as he did.


But all in all he was a good man and a good friend.


you will be missed



R.I.P.

-Lando

Oh my fuck

Apparently this video has been floating around for a few months now. How did I not know of this before tonight? I can't remember what life was like before it. Now, I've had some embarrassing shit happen to me before, but if I were this grown man I couldn't go on living. Also, that old lady is a bitch.

-M

I'm awkward.

So, today, I was minding my own business and all, taking care of some man business with my dad when a call comes in on his phone. It's this chick he works with asking for me. I take the phone and say "hello?" She asks me to meet her in front of her office. "Alright", I say. Then I strut my man ass on over to her office. She's sitting there with this black chick. She asks me if I can help her move some things of hers to a new apartment because she needs "a mans help." I flash her my million dollar smile and say "Ok."

So I go and get my homeboy Lando, and together we head off on our wild adventure.

We get there, and it turns out there ain't shit packed. I was under the impression that we'd have to move a couch or something, not that we'd have to help her move all her belongings. So we start taking care of business like it ain't shit, but then a commercial comes on the radio. "Did you know African American women are more likely than anyone to contract AIDS? More African American women die from AIDS than all other ethnic groups combined", ect. Me and Lando look at each other, not sure what we should do. Like, should we say "Sorry"? to the black lady? Luckily I didn't need to think up anything to say, because not long after that I broke her glass table. I was trying to put it in her car and I flipped it over so it would fit better and the glass top came out and shattered all over the ground. I considered running away, but I stayed and took it like man. It was awkward. And this shit is always happening to me. When I went to see "Superbad" I knocked a drink out of a chicks hand on accident. This one time I went to get ice cream and I thought the lady was going to say "Have a nice day", but instead she said "Come and see us again", so I just instictivly said "You too." One time I called this lady to find out some information and in my mind I was thinking "Say 'thank you', not 'thanks'. 'Thank you' sounds nicer" but "Thanks you" is what came out instead.

Anyways... then some of her friends came over and starting acting like real ladies should. "Damn, nigger", one of them said. "Fuck", "shit", you name it. Real classy dames.

Anyways, I did not get paid, but I did skip a class tonight. So it all worked out.

-Maynard.

Trashy whore destroys career in front of everyone

So last night those VMA things were on that channel that plays those VMA things. Why do they do that anymore? They only play videos in the mornings when no one watches them . Then the rest of the day they devote to trashy sluts acting like bitches. And speaking of that, look at this video.

One time my 5 year old niece came up to me and started singing me a song. It was a bad performance. But this!! The best part is when it shows 50 Cent looking confused/disgusted. But every time she dances is pure comic gold as well. And when everyone has to help her move around the stage. She'll probably kill herself pretty soon, and if she does I will feel bad. But until then...

-L

(sings) CAT WARS!! CAT WARS!! Rockin' the U.S.A!!

Don't act like you're too good to enjoy this ;)

-M

A bad friend?

Today I offerd a friend of mine a great spot here at Maynard and Lando


And for some reason he said no. Well i was shocked after all i was just trying to save his life. He needs this more then we need him i am worried that in the next week he will commit suicide.


So i am sorry to say that for now we have no number 3 man here but all we really need is Maynard and Lando so fuck it



with deep love- Lando

Venice Film Festival winners and thoughts

Okay, so I know I just posted a blog, but that was before I knew about this Venice Film Festival shit. Cate Blanchett won Best Actress for I'm Not There, the biopic on Bob Dylan, while Brad Pitt took home Best Actor for The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford Movie Film for Theaters. Ang Lee's Lust, Caution took home the top prize of the festival, despite some fairly negative reviews by many who saw it.

"Fuck those guys", said Lee when accepting his award. No, he didn't, but he was probably thinking it.

So what does this mean for next years Oscar race? Nothing, for the most part. Last year Ben Affleck won Best Actor for some movie nobody saw. Remember how that turned out? I'll remind you. He didn't get an Oscar. Or even a nomination. In the long run, the Venice Film Festival is just a nice little award that doesn't mean shit by itself. Ben Affleck isn't going to show off his Venice Film Festival Best Actor award to his grandkids. Actually, he probably will. It'll be like when your grandparents show you their bowling trophies and you act all impressed, but you don't care. And then Matt Damon will show up and Affleck's grandkids will run into his arms. Drop dead, Affleck.

REVIEW- Kevin Drew Spirit If... by Maynard

Broken Social Scene presents "Kevin Drew- Spirit If..." sucks. No, it doesn't. It actually rules. It's the best album I've heard all year. Not that that's saying much. This year has been one big disappointment after another.

But "Spirit If..." isn't a disappointment. Part of the reason it isn't a huge disappointment is because it's very good, but the other, bigger reason is because I had very low expectations going in.

I thought BBS's last album, "Broken Social Scene" was kind of a let down. It had some really great songs, but they fell into the trap of thinking "Bigger means Better." Rarely do things actually turn out that way. They had way too many loud horns, huge choruses, ect. You could tell they were just grasping at straws, trying to find a way to top their magnificent "You Forget It In People", which is one of the few true classics released this decade.

Kevin Drew has always been the mastermind behind BBS, so the "failure" (for lack of a better term) of "Broken Social Scene" I laid squarely on his shoulders. So I thought his first solo album (even though all the music is played by the members of BBS) would be more of the same. Big, huge numbers when he should stick to the small and simple.

The result is a nice mix of both, actually. Drew has plenty of the small, understated songs I like so much (Gang Bang Suicide, Safety Bricks) but he also has the big, loud, sing-along songs he's grown to love (Farewell to the Pressure Kids, Lucky Ones). I was surprised by how good this album is.

Drew has seemingly gone the way of Arcade Fire, bringing a Bruce Springsteen feel to the album. I thought it was a good move for Arcade Fire (a pretty overrated band, if you ask me) and it works for Kevin Drew. You can really hear it on Lucky Ones, which is one of the best songs on the album. A pure straight ahead rocker, which back in 2003 would have meant it was just a Dinosuar Jr. sound alike.

All in all, it's a good album and gives me hope for the next Broken Social Scene presents album (Brendan Canning's album is coming next year)

Rating- 9.3 Best Songs- Farewell to the Pressure Kids, Lucky Ones, Gang Bang Suicide

P.S. And no one drops the word "fuck" quite as well as Drew.

Lando Interview

Howdy folks. In an effort for you to get to know us, we're doing an interview today with Lando. Enjoy it while you can.

Question- How old are you?

Lando Cruise- 45. Ha ha, just kidding (winks)

Q- Ha ha. But really, how old are you?

LC- I've had enough of this interview!

Q- No, wait, I'm sorry, don't go. What's a good question for me to ask?

LC- "What's your favorite food" "What's your favorite color?"

Q- What's your favorite color?

LC- I don't know.

Q- Alright. So why did you want to create this site?

LC- To help people.

Q- How do you mean? I mean, "What" do you mean?

LC- Uh... insperation.

Q- What?

LC- People nowadays need help getting through their day to day lives. That's what I'm here for. (at this point, Lando spills coke all over his pants) FUCK IT!! FUCK!!

Q- Ah jeez, what'd you do that for?

LC- I didn't do it because I love to do it!! Get me a towel.

Q- Actually, I have to go now.

LC- You're a cocksucker. You screwed me.

Welcome, fuckers

Welcome to our site. This page is run by me, The Always Classy Maynard, and Lando Cruise. He gets his name because he is always cruising for chicks, and he gets them.


This page is run for us, mostly, but also for like minded people. People who like to party and have a good time at other peoples expense. We're just like Twisted Sister, in a way, except that we're the exact opposite, because we're really not "Going to Take It Anymore"

So enjoy.