Top Ten: Funniest dudes.

(NOTE: I couldn't come up with any funny women...)

It takes a lot to be a classic funny dude. Three things, actually. Be a jerk, be an idiot, or just be really pathetic. Here's my list of the ten funniest dudes.

10. Charles Barkley. Category- Jerk.
Sir Charles, as he is known by some, is a total jerk. He used to be a great NBA player, but now he's fat and insults people and gambles all his money away. CB makes the list mostly because of his ceaseless taunting of NBA ref Dick Bevetta. Things came to a head at the NBA A All-Star game of 2007, where to two titans had a foot race to determine the better man. Barkley out ran the elderly Bevetta, even running backwards, mocking the old man. Then they kissed on the lips.

Quote "I know I'm a fat, old has-been, but there's no way an old man of 67 can outrun me. It's impossible!"



9. Ash from The Evil Dead Trilogy. Category- Jerk.
Fuck you. I know he was on my last list. And? I can do whatever I want, whenever I want (on my website. Unless it's illegal).

Ah deserves to be on here. Why? Cause he's damn funny, that's why. It's odd when you watch Evil Dead now, because Ash is a completely different character in that movie. His normal. Mild mannered. Scared. By the mid-part of Evil Dead 2, he was undergoing a transformation. He wasn't as scared anymore. With his new found braveness, however, came new found arrogance and cockiness. And by the time Army of Darkness came around, he was a completely new person, chock full of one-liners and awesomeness. Plus, he could never remember the words.

Quote- "First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow."



8. Max Fischer from Rushmore. Category- Jerk.
I know Max won the last Top ten thingy too, but he's just too awesome not to be on any of my lists. Plus he's funny as hell.

Max is the kind of guy who knows right from wrong, yet he choices to do wrong anyways, so long as he believes it will benefit his selfish wants in the long run (which they don't). He doesn't think twice about destroying a mans life in the name of love. From destroying a mans life, he moves to attempted murder (cutting Mr. Blume's brakes, trying to have a tree fall on him, filling his room with bees, ect.) It's hilarious to watch as Max falls from grace, yet he stills believes wholeheartedly that things will work out if you could just get Ms. Cross to fall in love with him. Sweet + Sad= Funny.

Quote- "Don't fuck with my play!"



7. Jason from Home Movies. Category- Idiot.
Home Movies might just be the most under-appreciated thing ever. I don't know why, because anyone who actually sat down and watched the thing became instant fans. One of the reasons everyone who watched it loved it was because everyone who watched it loved Jason, the sidekick to and best friend of star Brendan Small. Jason is 7 and he's stupid. He is always dirty, he's got a weight problem (he loves candy) and, as Brendan has noted, "It's fun to hurt him." ("It's easy to hurt him.", adds other friend Melissa.)

Despite his setbacks, Jason is a pretty sweet-hearted young guy and takes things pretty easy. Most of his comedy comes from the fact that's he's 7 and doesn't know anything. But, strangely, he's a very good actor. That's what they do. The kids make stupid home movies. That's the whole show. It wasn't exactly genius comedy, but it always made me laugh.

Quote- "Let him drag you through the mud LIKE HE DRAGGED ME!!"



6. Homer Simpson from The Simpsons. Category- Idiot.
You can't talk about funny dudes without Homer Simpson. He's a legend. Plus he's the stupidest character ever, anywhere. The Simpsons have gone wayyyyy downhill for the last 10 years or so, but seasons 2-8 are classics. Honestly, I think 2-8 are the greatest pieces of entertainment the world has ever seen (take that, Shakespeare).

The reason it was so great was obviously because of the writing, and the writers always saved the best stuff for Homer. Like when he became a clown. Or when he got really fat. Or how he destroyed his brothers business. Or even really really simple stuff became funny from Homer (like the drinking bird) Yeah, Homer deserves his place on this list. Funny stuff.

Quote- "[to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...
[thinks] I forget. But the point is... [thinks] I forget that, too. [to Marge] Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car."


5. Cartman from South Park. Category- Jerk.
Cartman might be the biggest jerk ever. And he's just about the only character around that can rival Homer Simpson for pure popularity. But he deserves to be here, just slightly above Homer (I had to dock him because of the severe drop in quality The Simpsons has suffered)

South Park isn't quite what it used to be either. They rely on Cartman a bit too much to bring the funny nowadays, when back in "the day" all the characters were funny on their own. But if you were going to rely on one characters, I don't see why it shouldn't be Cartman. He's consistently funny (even when the show sucked for a few years). He mostly gets his laughs from screwing people over, and that's always funny to watch. Plus, that Scott Tennerman Must Die epsiode has the best ending to a cartoon ever.

Quote- "If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "Hey. Why don't you stop... dressing me up like a mailman... a-and making me dance for you... while you go and... smoke crack in your bedroom... and have sex with... some guy... I don't even know. On my dad's bed."



4. Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Category- Jerk.
If there's any character out there that can rival Cartman for just being a sheer jerk, it's Master Shake. Master Shake is a milkshake, he's vain, angry, lazy, cruel, and a loud mouth. He hates everyone, mostly his roommate Meatwad, who he has tried to kill on several occasions. Usually he just has to settle for selling him for two dollars or trapping him in a dryer or freezer.

Shake dreams of becoming a movie star, although he has no idea how to land a part. Also, he's probably too lazy to work on a movie, preferring to spend his days watching t.v. or in his neighbor Carl's pool. And that's funny, my friends. That's funny.

Quote- "I will pee all over my pants... and then who ends up looking bad."



3. David Brent from The Office. Category- Pathetic.
Has there ever been a more pitiful character than David Brent? He thinks he's hilarious, but he's not. He thinks he beloved, but he's not. He thinks he inspired Scottish band Texas to become the band they are today, but he didn't. He's also quite rude and mean, without ever realizing it. He lives in a fantasy world. As The Office went on (much too quickly- only 12 episodes and a Christmas special), David's world slowly started to crumble. By the time it was over, he had lost everything.He realized people didn't like him quite as much as he thought (or hoped), he lost his job, he tried to make a music career, which went nowhere. And let me tell you something, when someone this pathetic comes along, you must cherish it. Not a single episode went by where he didn't get a big laugh from me.

Quote- "I haven't got a sign on the door that says white people only. I don't care if you're black, brown or yellow - you know, Orientals make very good workers."



2. Coach McGuirk from Home Movies. Category- Jerk/Pathetic/Idiot.
That's right. Coach McGuirk was a triple threat. He was an unbelievably awesome mix of all three of the main comedy categories. Coach McGurirk was Brendan's soccer coach (even though he hated kids and soccer, a game which he has never played. He doesn't even know the rules) and something of a role model. Except he was a terrible role model and often his advice would lead to more trouble, or at least something illegal or amoral. But he didn't care. McGuirk didn't care about anything or anyone. He was quite stupid as well. He once tried to become a stand up comedian, and his gimmick would be that he was the soccer comedian, but he told no jokes about soccer (but he did wear the whistle and he brought his own goal)

Coach McGuirk was an extremely rare character in my mind. Almost every single time he was on screen, you know something funny would happen. Man, I miss that show

Quote- "Hey, my swords are worth more than all these foods combined."



1. George Costanza from Seinfeld. Category- Jerk/Pathetic.
Yeah, that's right. You had to know it all along. George Costanza is the funniest character ever. Where to begin? He's bald, angry, short, stupid. He spends his time trying to get one over on everybody. Nothing ever goes his way. His girlfriend died because of poisonous envelopes he bought. His parents are crazy. He once ate food out of a garbage can, and then got caught. A hooker once tied him to his bed, then robbed him. Jon Voight once bit him. And then when he thinks he's won, he just makes a fool of himself. Like the time he told the guy that had been mocking him that he slept with his wife, only to find out his wife was in a coma. Or when his fiancee died, he thought that meant he would finally be able to go out with Marisa Tomei. It didn't. This guy is a classic. A titan above all others. I can't see anyone beating him any time soon.

Quote "He was beboppin' and skattin' all over me!"

There you have it. Now go to bed.

(Honorable mentions- Bender from Futurama, Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dick Masterson from MenAreBetterThanWomen.com, GOB Bluth from Arrested Development, Buck Turginson from Dr. Strangelove, Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force)