Flashback Vol. 1

Hey. You know Lost? Pretty much my favorite show. So we decided to copy them for a new thing we got going here. You know how in each episode they have a flashback* to let you know how each character became the way they are? We're gonna do that. We're going to start telling stories from our pasts to let you Maynard and Lando-holics get to know why we are the way we are.

I'll start off with one of my all time favorite memories. This one comes from almost 20 years ago when I was in kindergarden. It was actually the last day of school, if memory serves. You know how on the last day of school they usually just send you outside and let you play games and run obstacle courses and whatnot? Yeah, that's what we were doing. I'm not going to lie to you guys- I was doing great. Running around, chasing the dream and getting checked out by all the babes to boot.

So the teachers decide it's time for the three legged race. I get paired up with some moron who I can't even remember. They tie our legs together and all that. Now, if I had been able to run the race alone, there's no doubt in my mind I'd have destroyed the CHUMPetition. But since I was paired up with this complete loser I was less than hopeful. I knew in my heart of hearts this guy was not a winner. He couldn't win. If I was going to get that blue ribbon, I'd have to take matters into my own hands. Put the burden on my own back and carry us to Glory.

Over the past few months I think I've portrayed myself pretty accurately on this blog (except for the fact that I don't even use my real name), so I think, if you've read this for awhile, you should know me well enough to know what comes next. The whistle blew and off I went.

Right off the bat, the idiot I was paired up with fell down. No surprise there. But it still didn't stop me from screaming at him. "GET UP!! GET UP!!" I yelled, even though I gave him absolutely no chance to get up, seeing as how I was dragging him across the field. I frantically looked around and saw many of the other children had fallen to the ground as well. "Good", I thought, "maybe we're not out of this thing yet. I've got to THINK!!"

But the only thing I could think of was to continue screaming at the kid, which I did with gusto. He was crab-crawling on the ground saying "I CAN'T!! STOP!! LET ME GET UP!!" What an idiot this kid was. So I just gritted my teeth and pushed ahead with everything I had.

I could see I had some competition from two other teams. We were neck and neck and they both had their partner actually helping them. It was champion time. Glory time.

Dragging that sorry bastard behind me, I fought my way to victory. WE HAD WON!! Or should I say, I had won, even though my partner did all he could to lose. My older sister came running up from nowhere and celebrated with me as I got my blue ribbon. Although I noticed the teachers made a terrible mistake by giving my partner a blue ribbon as well, instead of giving me two blue ribbons. I did the work of two people and still won, so I think it would only be fair for me to get both blue ribbons. Like I said, I can't remember that kid's name or even what he looks like, but if I ever see him again I might just lose my shit and hurt somebody.

Okay, so there you have it. My first flashback. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and I hope this helps to shed a little light on what makes me tick.

-Maynard


*Yes, I realize they also use flashforwards now too.