Conversations with my Mother

Mothers. They bring us into this world. They raise us, nurture us, protect us and teach us. My mother has taught me almost everything I know (the rest I learned from pornographic websites).

So, in honor of Mother's Day (a few weeks ago), I will now recall the special moments and solid wisdom I learned from my mother.

1. McDonald's only hires Mexicans and Mexicans don't wash their hands, so she doesn't eat there anymore.

2. In Mexico, they really do sleep right in the middle of the road. After drinking, I assume.

3. Indians never did anything for anyone.

4. Selling plasma is an easy way to make money.

5. Smoking cigarettes can turn your fingers yellow. But it makes girls think you're cool.

6. You can only get sued if you show up to court.

7. Cat fights are just about the funniest thing in the world. Geese fights are funny too.

8. No matter how hard you try, the world just keeps screwing you over (my dad also beat that one into my head).

9. You can never turn your back on a rooster cause it might attack you from behind.

10. There's no point in helping old people out cause they're just gonna die anyways.

11. Aliens secretly rule the world and love watching horse races.

12. If America would just go to war with China, all of our problems would be solved. Once we enslaved them, I assume.

13. Reba McEntire is a painfully ugly woman.

14. Donnie Walsh was always a moron who can kiss my ass.

There you have it folks, all the knowledge my mother has passed on to me through the years. Now share yours.