Top Ten: Characters That Should Be on Lost

Okay, so by now you know that I love Lost. Best show on t.v. But could it be better? That depends on a few things. If you love the characters more than the plot than the answer is probably "Yes". I love the plot and everything as well, but face it- you wouldn't care a bit about all the mysteries if the characters were boring. We need or Lockes and Bens and Jacks to keep us interested. And so I decided to think of ten more characters, from movies and television, that would add to the shows overall greatness (well.. I got the idea from the Lost boards on IMDb... but they didn't come up with ten characters like I did. So fuck them.)

Also, feel free to add your own.

10. Mr. Eko- Okay, this one is a cheat since he was already on the show once. But they killed him!! And I know he asked to be written off the show and everything, but just imagine how awesome he would have been during season four. Damn man... I wish he were still around.

9. The Bride from the Kill Bill movies- She'd have an interesting back story at least. And she'd be a hell of a lot more interesting/entertaining than all the other females castaways. One of the reason Ana-Lucia is my favorite female member from the show was that she wasn't useless. She could kick some ass if she needed to. But The Bride could do it 100x better. It would have been fun to see her interact with all the other characters on this show. Ah well. I don't see her dying.

8. GOB Bluth from Arrested Development- I was going to put Tobias but I think GOB would be funnier if trapped on a magical island. He is a magician after all. Plus he's got such low self esteem... it would be funny to watch him try to pick up the ladies (with his magic), insult/embarrass them, then go cry in the jungle only to have Locke come out of nowhere and give him a little speech. This would help GOB to get his confidence back, then go out and repeat the whole process, all while not lifting a finger to help anyone do anything. He'd probably be dead by season 3 at the latest.

7. Bill the Butcher from Gangs of New York- Okay, so he comes from a completely different time, but still... it could be cool. After getting over the shock of the plane crash, Bill would quickly start recruiting. All white Americans are free to join his camp while all blacks, Europeans, Asians, Mexicans, Australians, Arabs (and anyone else I forgot) need not apply to join him. Then, after a few weeks and rallying the troops, he'd wage a full scale war against the dirty fucking mutts. He'd probably die really quickly. Unlike some of the bad guys on this list, I don't think he could hide his hatreds. I'd say a season one death would be most likely.

6. Brock Sampson from The Venture Bros.- Okay, so he's a cartoon, but fuck it. None of that shit on the island could happen anyways. Get over yourself. Anywho... how awesome would Brock be on this show? Unstoppable killing machine finding plenty of action and adventure (and ladies) on a magical island? Actually, now that I think about it, that might suck. He'd just murder all The Others in season one or two and then there'd be no show. Plus there'd be no power struggle between Jack and Locke because Brock would have been the clear leader from the beginning. Plus all the romance would have been taken out of the show because he'd get all the girls too. But still... those first few episodes would have been entertaining. I don't think he'd die at all on the island.

5. Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver- Think of the awkwardness!! He'd probably try to be a hunter and provider for everyone (or maybe just for himself). But then he, and everyone else, would realize he's from New York and doesn't know shit about hunting. So then he'd spend his time trying to protect Claire and Aaron. Only that was also Charlie's job and they'd get jealous of each other. Soon Claire would realize she'd need to start sticking a lot closer to Charlie once she actually got to know Travis though... that dude creeps ladies the fuck out. He'd probably die in season one by starting a fight with someone.

4. Clementine Kruczynski from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind- She'd spend her days on the island fucking (and fucking with) all the male castaways. Loving them one minute, hating them the next and then breaking down and crying for hours at a time. She'd probably be killed by the rest of the castaways in season two after everyone finally gets sick of her shit. Out of all the character's I've mentioned, I think she would actually be the most likely to have been a real character on the show.

3. Frank Booth from Blue Velvet- Think of the drama!! One of the craziest motherfuckers of all time trapped on an island with the rest of the castaways. How would he act? Friendly? Evilly? He'd probably pull some shit, like kidnapping Kate or some other chick, then when they got her back he'd be banished from the island and would spend the rest of season one trying to get on everyone's good side. Then he'd turn evil again, kidnap Claire and finally be murdered (by Charlie). FUCK IT!!

2. Ash from the Evil Dead Trilogy- Imagine the conflict!! He's a strong leader like Jack, he's a smart alec like Sawyer, he believes in all kinds of crazy shit like Locke and he's got a chainsaw for a hand. You just KNOW this motherfucker would be kicking ass and taking names. He could fight Jack for leader ship, fight Jack AND Sawyer for Kate's affections, then fight Charlie for Claire's affections, then go on adventure in the jungle with Locke or Eko, then come back and fight Jack and Saywer some more, then say something funny, then go to sleep. ALL IN ONE DAY!!. I don't see him dying in this show.

1. George Costanza from Seinfeld- Go ahead, try to come up with a better answer. You can't!! George Costanza being trapped on the Lost island is one of the best things anyone has ever thought of. He probably wouldn't be involved in the mysteries too much though. He'd mostly hang around the beach, trying to scam everyone out of their freshly caught fish. Or trying to get the best beach spot by telling everyone his horrible life story. Lying, complaining, stealing. Basically, he'd be useless. He'd be more than useless, he'd be a real problem for everyone on the island. But a hilarious problem. Although, truth be told, I couldn't see him living past season one or two. He'd starve. So yeah, he'd probably die... but hilariously.


Well, there you go. That's my list. In related news, I am in desperate need of an actual life :( :(

-M