REVIEW: Juno by Maynard

Ok, first thing's first: I know I'm way late with this. It feels like the movie has been out for a year now already. But I didn't see it until recently and then I had to work out exactly what it was that I thought about this film and I think I've got it, although I probably won't be able to explain it how I want to.

Juno was nominated for 4 Academy Awards recently and that's probably what makes me feel the way I do about it. I'll just get it out of the way and say that it is very overrated. This is not one of the 5 best movies of the year, or even of the season. Now, if Juno had grossed 10 million dollars and got snubbed by the Oscars I really think I'd feel differently. But when it grosses 100 million (so far) and starts winning awards and getting all sorts of nominations and things, it starts getting certain expectations attatchd to it. And this movie just doesn't live up to them.

My main complaints with this movie are the same ones you've all heard already. The characters are fake and unrealistic. The dialouge is fake and unrealistic. None of the actors give anything above a good performance. Juno is supposed to be quirky and a rebel but listening to punk rock from 1977 doesn't make you quirky and what exactly is she supposed to be a rebel against? She seems exactly like every single girl with a myspace page, ever. Of course the girls aren't like that in real life, just on myspace. Again, this movie just isn't true to life.

I guess the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that it got so big. I can admit that. But what makes this film such a huge hit when better, funnier, more original comedies like Rushmore or The Royal Tenenbaums or Punch-Drunk Love or The Squid and the Whale get left behind? I asked myself the same question last year when Little Miss Sunshine started cleaning up. It's like people are finally starting to love the quirky comedies, but they're loving the wrong ones. Juno won't be nearly as remembered as those films have become in 5 years.

I gotta give this a 6/10. But like I said, if no one had ever really heard of this movie, it probably would be a 7/10. Over hyped.

Anna Paquin is a hot piece of ACE

Mmmm, delicious.

Their sadness empowers me

Here's a bunch of lonely women wearing their bridesmaid dresses to the fantastic* new movie, 27 Dresses. Goodness, this is funny. Look at them. No man wants them so they go to the movies together. Because they have no one to love. Here's a hint, ladies: Stop being the type of woman who wants to see 27 Dresses and maybe things will pick up. Or you can fuck off, I don't care.

^_____________________________^

* And by "fantastic", I mean "not fantastic."

-M

You stay classy, Best Buy

It always warms my heart to see something as tacky as this. Nothing makes a better profit than death, right? I mean, am I right or what? (High fives all around)

- The ALWAYS Classy Maynard

R.I.P. Heath Ledger.

This generations best actor died today :( That sucks, man. This guy was on his way to becoming the next Marlon Brando at best, Johnny Depp at worst. Now he's the new James Dean (or at least River Phoenix)

It just sucks so bad. He really had what it took to become an acting legend like DeNiro or Pacino or Day-Lewis. I know a lot of people like to make fun of Brokeback Mountain, but that will always be one of my favorite movies, if for no other reason than his performance, which was amazing. And I'm not saying this cause he died, he really gave probably the best male performance of this decade (so far)

This is gonna be awkward when The Dark Knight comes out. "That which doesn't kill us makes us stranger..." ...hmmmm, can't wait to hear all the lame, tactless jokes when that one comes out.

Such a waste of talent :(

Thoughts and prayers to his family.

R.I.P

-M

The Oscars suck (predicted winners)

Atonement? Michael Clayton? Juno? Ok, I actually don't have a whole lot against those films, but come on. No Into the Wild? I was predicting that would be one of the biggest nominations winners.

Ah well, todays nominations prove something I've been saying for a few months now- it's all between No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood. I'm guessing-

Picture- No Country for Old Men
Director- The Coens for No Country for Old Men
Actor- Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Actress- Julie Christie, Away from Her
Supporting Actor- Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
Supporting Actress- Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Original Screenplay- Juno
Adadpted Screenplay- No Country for Old Men
Editing- No Country for Old Men
Cinematography- There Will Be Blood
Art Direction- There Will Be Blood
Costume- Atonement
Make-Up- La Vie en Rose
Score- Atonement
Song- "Falling Slowly" from Once
Sound- Transformers
Sound Editing- Transformers
Visual Effects- Transformers
Animated Movie- Ratatouille
Foreign Film- Beaufort
Documentary- No End in Sight

Yeah... so this year they really screwed us. There Will Be Blood's score totally deserved it, but they wouldn't let it in. Probably because they don't like rock stars (Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead did the score).

Atonement got in. Am I the only one who's sick of this whole "British thing"? As in... you know, British people?

Michael Clayton? Come on now. Come on.

AH well, like I said, at least I can take solice in the fact that the only two movies that stand a chance are No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood.

-M

Bada Could Die

hello people lando here with some great news


first off we all should know by now that maynard and I hate the New England Patriots and so i am now backing the NY Giants in the Superbowl


and i made a small bet with our Patriots loving friend Bada


if the Giants win the Superbowl this year then Bada must kill himself on web cam for all to see and if the Pats win then i dont have to do anything

Badas life is in the hands of Tom Brady now and im hoping like hell Brady cant pull it off

i dont want Bada to die but i dont want the Pats to win either

oh yeah and Dungy will be coming back to coach the Colts in the 2008 season

so get ready for NEXT YEAR!!

-L

And Pats fans wonder why everyone hates them

Ok, so Indianapolis gets knocked around for booing a 14 year old girl wearing a Patriots jersey. Well, wait till you get a load of this from a witness of the Pats vs. Jags game.

“I was wearing my Teddy Bruschi jersey and my friend Jeff had a Tom Brady shirt on,” Brian Wormstead said. “But my cousins, who flew up for the game from Jacksonville, were wearing Jaguars gear. Suddenly, two guys behind us start mouthing off, just being obnoxious. So I turned around and said, ‘C’mon, we just won the game. These are my cousins from Florida. Let’s just have a nice night, OK?’ ” Then he turned back.

Tanya Watson, 35, Brian’s cousin, describes what happened next. “They hit him from behind,” she said. “And when Jeff stepped in, they knocked him to the ground. My husband Chris was walking ahead of us; when he saw what was happening he came running. So Chris gets one of these guys in a headlock, trying to pull him away, and while they’re on the ground, someone else kicks him in the head. That’s how he got the black eye and swollen cheek. My husband never got hit by the ones who started it; he got hit by the ones passing by.”

What's worse, America? Booing a girl who had it coming, or beating the shit out of some guys for wearing a Jags jersey? You decide.

-Maynard

Still Here

Hey people remember me? i am Lando i have been taking some time off from this bitch because i had nothing to talk about at all

But now i will try to find some things and make a post 2 or 3 times a week because i know you all need it and want it but remember that i do not need you the truth is i always have something better to do then post a blog for my fans

but like i said i will try to make with the funny a few times a stupid week





enjoy me

-L

I'm a sick liar (plus updates)

I am a sick, sick man. For today, anyways. I don't know what happened, but I woke up feeling like 10 lbs of shit stuffed in a 5 lbs bag. :) My head hurts, my stomach is queasy, I have cotton mouth and the inside of my mouth taste metallic. Probably not a good sign right there. Ah well, at least it's not blood.

The thing is though, I actually had some important stuff I had to take care of this morning. I had a super secret meeting with some people at 8:30 that I totally missed because of my illness. So when I finally woke up, I ambled on down stairs and give those suckas a call. Only thing is, I didn't feel like telling them the reason I didn't come in was because I was sick, if you want to know the truth, so I came up with a half true story to lay on them. I told them I was on my way to the meeting, but I hit a deer and had to turn around.

Like I said, this is only half true. The other day my mother was driving the car when she smashed into a deer, killing it instantly. Then she let a couple of hillbillies take it home with them because they said it still had a lot of good meat. Then some other hillbillies tried to take the deer, all sneaky like... I don't want to get into a whole thing here. Point is I lied for no reason at all, and that's awesome.

Now for some updates. I know none of us (especially Lando or Bada or our supposed new member, Patrick), have really been keeping up with anything lately. Fact of the matter is, there's nothing to talk about. Ummm, lemme see, lemme see. I might be getting my own place soon, I might not. I was gonna rent this place with Lando, but we don't trust the guy renting it out. Then when we started looking for a new place, I found out about this place that pays you to drive their vans and deliver stuff all around American and Canada. So now I want to do that. Cause it's like they're paying you to go on road trips. And that's awesome as well.

So there you have it. I'm gonna get something to eat now and then go to bed. Or not. I don't like to plan that far ahead, most of the time.

-M

Best scene in Extras history

The complete series of Extras is coming out on DVD soon. It was a pretty good show, I guess. I guess I found it a little disappointing because it came after The Office, which is one of the best shows ever. Andy Milman was nowhere near as complete a character as David Brent. It seems like they saved all the really hilarious stuff for the special guest stars, and no moment in the shows entire run was funnier than this scene here, from the Extras Special. I didn't really like the special all that much- what was with all the dramatic music and life lessons? Fuck off, man. But anyways, this scene is great. Enjoy.



Love,
M

Fucking Colts.

That was the biggest bullshit I ever saw in my fucking life. Those fuckers. The Chargers didn't beat us, the Colts beat themselves.

The defense played like they played last season. How the fuck could that even happen? The Chargers two best players were out pretty much the entire second half, and the Colts just let their replacements run all over them. Bob fucking Sanders. You're supposed to be the best defensive player in the league. What was that shit? Marvin Harrison, you're a son of a bitch. You don't play for fucking months, then the first time you get your hands on the ball your fumble? And that fumble lead to a score. I'm pissed at all the Colts, but none moreso than you. You fucked us. The defense fucked up as a whole, but the offense didn't do so bad. But if you wouldn't have tried to do the fucking little spin move and just dropped down, they never would have gotten that score.

Bada will be happy cause now his team gets a clear path into the Superbowl. The Chargers aren't going to be shit to the Pats. Thanks a lot Colts. You let all your fans down.

... Ah well. Next year. And as long as an NCF team wins I'll be alright.... Fucking Colts. Drop dead.

-M

P.S. Oh yeah, I forgot. Even though it was painful to see my hometown team lose, it was funny as fuck to hear the fans boo that little girl. Hilarious, you might say. I'd like to take this chance to induct my home city of Indianapolis into The Classy's. It took a lot of the good stuff to do that.

Golden Globes predictions

I know. Whatever. I'm gonna make some predictions on the winners anyways. It doesn't make me any less of a man.

UPDATES!! 8 right, 6 wrong. My worst outing ever. Not... in a gay way. I'm not gay.

PICTURE, DRAMA- No Country for Old Men. I was wrong

PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY- Juno. Wrong again

DIRECTOR- Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men. Wrong AGAIN.

ACTOR, DRAMA- Daniel Day Lewis, There Will Be Blood. Right

ACTOR, MUSICAL OR COMEDY- Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd. Right

ACTRESS, DRAMA- Julie Christie, Away from Her. Right

ACTRESS, MUSICAL OR COMEDY- Ellen Page, Juno. Wrong

SUPPORTING ACTOR- Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men. Right

SUPPORTING ACTRESS- Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone. Wrong, and glad.

SCREENPLAY- Juno. Wrong

SCORE- Atonement. Right

SONG- "Guaranteed" from Into the Wild. Right

Foreign Film- The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Right

Animated- Ratatouille. Right

There. I have now correctly predicted the Golden Globes. Enjoy it, baby.

Chuck Norris beats women

thats the stuff

-L

Yo mama, Obama. Richardson FTW!!

Well well well. I never thought I'd see the day. Barack Obama, the only clean, bright half black man in the union (or so I hear)... completely dissmissing Painful Love and their support of his campaign. I guess he thought we'd be cool with it or something. Like, we can say we're backing him and that's that. Wrong my friend. When Painful Love backs a motherfucker, we expect him to back us too. I expected hits for this site to soar today. I thought Obama would be a dude and at least mention us, like we mentioned him. I don't think you can deny the fact that we have helped out him immensely. I just thought he'd do the same...

But whatever man. I watched those debates last night and I found a new man to back. And that man's name is Bill Richardson (D). I haven't heard much buzz for him since last night which was a little surprising. I don't think there was any doubt that he "won" the debate (if there can actually be a winner). He was the calmest, the most intelligent, laid out his plans clearly for the future, and was fucking funny. Seriously, people always talk about how boring debates are. To them I say- "You've never seen a Bill Richardson debate, muthafucka!!" Just check out these quotes.

"MR. GIBSON: I will let you off on specificity -- (laughter) -- of take-backs since we're running out of time.

Governor Richardson?

GOV. RICHARDSON: Well, I've made a lot of them. One that I particularly remember -- I think it was here in New Hampshire, the first debate -- I was asked who my favorite Supreme Court justice was, and I said, dead or alive? (Laughter.) I said -- I should have -- I should have stuck to the alive because I then said, "Whizzer" White, because I idolize John F. Kennedy and I figured if he appointed "Whizzer" White, this was a great Supreme Court justice. Well then I find out that "Whizzer" White was against Roe versus Wade, against civil rights -- (laughter). You know, so that's -- that wasn't a good one. (Laughter, applause.)"

"You know, what I've said is that if I'm elected president, I'm going to have a Cabinet of Republicans, Democrats and Independents. Now, I won't overdo the Republicans, but -- (laughter)

"Well, I've been in hostage negotiations that are a lot more civil than this. (Laughter, applause.)" - After Hilary Clinton got all pissed off.

On to Clinton and Edwards- I think they kind of fucked up, but Clinton did it moreso. I guess she's under the impression that people want her to act like a stereotypical man or something. She got angry easily, was on the verge of shouting a few times even. She lost Iowa so of course she'd want to come out swinging, but Obama and Edwards were clearly on the same side. They double teamed that bitch and sent her home to mama with a rolling DDT, so to speak. I think she really fucked herself up. The people of New Hampshire aren't going to vote for an angry lesbian looking dame. They're not that kind of people. Edwards, well, what happened to him? He seemed angry too. That's not who he is and I think everyone knows it. His charm is being the smiling, nice southern boy. I didn't see that last night. He acted kind of like a dick from time to time. Again, I think this is a mistake on his part and will hurt him in the long wrong.

Obama seemed flustered. He didn't seem presidential to me. He seemed fidgety. He stuttered and mumbled during difficult questions. Add that to the no mention of our site and you've got a real double negative. Here's was an exchange that made me giggle-

" SEN. OBAMA: I just want to add I agree with John, which is why I prohibited lobbyists from buying meals for members of Congress --

MR. EDWARDS: Good idea.

SEN. OBAMA: -- because -- and some of them complained. They said --

MR. EDWARDS: Maybe they'll get a little --

MR. SPRADLING: Well, with all due respect --

SEN. OBAMA: -- they said, where am I going to eat?

MR. SPRADLING: They can now buy food for members of Congress if the members of Congress are standing up. (Laughter.) That's my understanding what the rules have changed. You can't sit down and eat, but you can stand up and eat.

SEN. OBAMA: Yeah, well, the --

MR. SPRADLING: Tell me why that's changed. (Laughter.)

SEN. OBAMA: Here's -- here's -- here's -- here's what we did. They can't buy meals, they can't provide gifts; they can no longer lend corporate -- (off mike) --"

Richardson, on the other hand, seemed calm, collected and relaxed. He knows he doesn't stand a chance, so he decided to enjoy himself. He was cracking jokes all night, baby. The moderator didn't mention his numbers in the polls, and he mentioned it as kind of a joke on himself. He knows his numbers are low. He went out there with the mind frame of "Hey, I got nothing to lose anyways, might as well make the most of it." And he did. I'd like to see him gain more traction as thing thing goes on, but I think it's too late now. Maybe it's for the best. He doesn't look like he can handle stress, real stress, well. 2 years into this job and he'll be suffering his second heart attack. Maybe our backing him isn't a good thing, because his numbers are going to skyrocket now. Ah well, fuck it. If he dies, there's no blood on my hands.

Vote Bill Richardson. (Sorry, I thought I had a pic of him, but this feline will do)

-M

REVIEW: 2007 by Maynard

2007. Wow, what a year. Right? Right. When I cared about Myspace, I wrote one of these for 2006. 2004 and 2005 were terrible years for me, and 2006 was one of the best. 2007 was distinctly average. Things started off pretty great for me, with the Colts going on their run that eventually lead to their Superbowl win. The Colts came to Indianapolis, the city I was born in, the same year I was born, so I feel like their "my" team. So them winning was pretty much like I won. I still feel like a winner by proxy.

Then The Departed won a bunch of Oscars, including Picture and Director. This isn't exactly a big deal, except that I proved to myself and others how awesome I am at predicting the Oscars, cause I knew it would win all that shit back in December 2004. So I won there.

So far, so awesome. Then from March to June it was just a blur. Nothing really special. June I got a job at a factory, which did not end well. In late July, I moved into these apartments, started being a life guard or whatever, ect. Lando was there the whole time, making my life hell. He never stops complaining. Wait, that was winter. September came and we started this blog. Then Bada joined in November or December, I can't remember. Patrick joined today. But that's 2008. So we'll talk about him next year.

Music, it was the year of the Stripped Down sound. Wilco, Kevin Drew, Radiohead, ect. all had new albums and they were all different from their last albums, just because they sounded so small. I think that was a trend this year. Small and intimate.

Movies on the other hand, were big and bold, with There Will Be Blood, Sweeney Todd and No Country for Old Men, ect. I think NCFOM is probably the best movie I've seen this year.

In just regular entertainment... a lot of women got really annoying really quickly. And that's all that happened, apparently.

I dunno how I feel about this year. I'm not sad to see it go, I guess. I've got big plans for this year. None will come to fruition. But whatever. Hope you all have a great 2008, but I hope my 2008 is better.

-M

PPPPPP All the Way

Who am I? What am I? I am P. What is "P"? P can mean Patrick. But I demand it mean other things! P that stands for Powerful or Politics. How about Pears and Plums? How about Pigs and Porcupines? I want to finish this another time so for now just call me P !

I hereby declare myself leader of this group!

Let's Talk Politics!!

YEE-HAH!! Iowa!! Caucus, that is. What an interesting evening. I didn't, like, follow it all that closely, but I found out enough to be going on with, thank you very much. Clinton came in third, Obama came in first, and Huckabee likes to play bass.

(Sigh)... I just don't know anymore. I remember in 2004, I was so excited about the possibilities of the future. Then Bush won again and I was crushed. This year... there's not many people I'm very excited about. I love Obama, but let's be serious... how long until some redneck "takes matters into his own hands, son"? Hopefully that won't happen, but I'd be afraid every day that I'd wake up to news like that. John Edwards... I don't have anything against him, exactly, he just doesn't strike me as presidential.

Hilary... well...

Yeah...

As for the Republicans, I just don't care. Ron Paul would be awesome, except he's crazy. He's the kind of guy you only want to lead for ONE DAY, not 4 years. Plus I'd be afraid every night before I go to bed that I'd wake up and turn on the t.v. and found out he died. He's old, man.

Everyone else on the Right... I dunno. It'd be like replacing Bob Barker with Drew Carey. Stale and boring. And kind of over weight.

Alright... Painful Love is officially backing Barak Obama for President. Hopefully he'll mention that when he goes to New Hampshire.

Offical prediction- Democrats will pick Obama and Evan Bayh and the Republicans will pick Huckabee and Romney. BOO YAH!! Dig it.

-M

Top Ten: Funniest T.V. Shows

As always, if you don't agree with the list, it's probably cause you're a moron or something.

10. Curb Your Enthusiasm. Has there ever been a show that has each and every episode wrap itself so neatly together from beginning to end? Probably not. And has there ever been a guy who gets more screwed over than Larry David? Probably only George Costanza, who was based on David in the first place.
BEST MOMENT- The ending of season 6, where Larry and the Blacks decide to stay together.

9. Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I wanted to put it higher on the list, but these last few seasons... well, anyways, the first 3 seasons should put it on anyones list. It concerns the adventures of 3 living, walking, talking food products- Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad, along with their neighbor Carl.
BEST MOMENT- Shake knocking the drinks out of Ol' Drippy's hand, then getting chased out of the house by Meatwad.

8. Space Ghost Coast to Coast. I'll be honest- this might be my favorite show ever. But it has too many moments were they simply fuck with the audience to be any higher than it is. It's about 60's embarrassment Space Ghost, who gets his own talk show with the help of Moltar and Zorak, two of his captured enemies.
BEST MOMENT- Space Ghost getting sued by Jan and Jace. "LAWSUIT!!" (Spits water into the camera)

7. Garth Marenghi's Darkplace. This is easily one of the funniest shows ever, and it probably would have been in the top 5 if it had lasted longer. The thing is, it only had 6 episodes. But those 6 episodes were awesome. The show is about a group of actors who, back in the day, made a television show called Darkplace. The show within a show was about a hospital where all kinds of crazy shit happened. If you can find it, watch it.
BEST MOMENT- Dean Learner always looking directly into the camera.

6. Home Movies- The show about a group of kids who act more like adults, making home movies about the stupidest shit ever. It makes the list because of the great writing and all that, but it would have made the list anyways just because of Coach McGuirk and Jason.
BEST MOMENT- Dressing Melissa's grandfather up as a woman and filming it.

5. South Park. Another show that I basically had no choice but to put it on the list. I have a few problems with the show, namely their love of relying on fart jokes and such, but I can't deny the greatness of this show. Cartman is a legend.
BEST MOMENT- Cartman getting that Scott kid to eat his own parents.

4. Seinfeld. Here's the thing- I've seen this show so many times, it's lost a tiny bit of it's magic. If it was still new to me, it'd be number 2, maybe even number 1. But alas, it's just not "fresh" anymore. But no one can deny it's impact. And it still makes me laugh, so...
BEST MOMENT- George getting robbed by the prostitute.

3. The Office (the British version). I've come to really enjoy the American version. But comparing the two isn't apples and oranges as some will tell you. Comparing these two is like comparing the new Star Wars trilogy to the old one. You can see plenty to like about the new one, but come on, be real. The original is the best. This show, like the American show, focuses on a group of people who work for a freakishly self-involved boss, David Brent. The British version is much, much more reality based though and I think that's what makes it so great. I shouldn't have to explain this one though. If you've seen it, you'll know why it's amazing.
BEST MOMENT- David Brents freestyle dance.

2. The Simpsons. Okay, I would just like to make this clear once again- The Simpsons, at it's height, was the best show ever made. But I can't just forget the bad (the last 10 years) and just focus on the good. That wouldn't be fair. So, considering how badly the show has sucked recently (and it just keeps getting worse. Really, end it already), I have no choice but to make it number 2. But damn, when it was great, nothing could touch it. I remember when I was a kid watching it and I thought it was hilarious, and now that I've grown up, it's even funnier cause I understand it so much more.
BEST MOMENT- "Whoa! I'm seeing double! 4 Krusty's!"

1. Arrested Development. Remember when I said no show ever tied itself together so neatly as Curb Your Enthusiasm? I lied. The only other show that tops it is Arrested Development. But they didn't just have running themes for 1 show or even 1 season, this show had 3 whole seasons worth of in-jokes. If you didn't see every episode, you'd miss a quick reference. You'd think that was annoying, but it wasn't. The more it went on, the more fans became rabid (in a good way). It's probably the smartest comedy ever. And the best.
BEST MOMENT- "Banger in the mouth"

Honorable mentions- Saturday Night Live, Futurama, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, King of the Hill

Yours truly-
M